Put Down The Bong: The 10 Signs You Smoke Too Much Weed

by Thomas Mulgrew

How much is too much? If you spend the majority of your waking hours stoned, this question needs to be addressed. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with puffing herb on a consistent basis, but don’t confuse a habit with a crutch. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as smoking too much, and many people are in denial over their weed consumption. Need to figure out if you’re guilty, or not? Here are ten telltale signs you might be rolling up too often:

1. You wake-and-bake on a consistent basis.

If, every Saturday and Sunday, you are smoking within 15 minutes of waking up, you might have a problem. I understand that working five days a week gets in the way of your smoking schedule, but compensating by blazing immediately upon entering your Saturday can have an adverse effect.

The only day you have to actually get sh*t done, and you waste it by smoking a blunt at 10:30 in the morning. Now, instead of going to the gym or hitting Home Depot to get that A/C unit, you end up ordering a pizza and watching the third season of "The Wire" -- very productive.

2. You still revolve your life around “4/20”.

This is some pretty amateur stuff, but there are people in their mid-20s that still consider 4/20 an important date. Oh, it’s 4:20 in the afternoon, so we need to smoke right now? Why? I’m serious, why right now? On April 20th, I have to smoke as much as I can? Caring about 4/20 is like listening to Dave Matthews Band, it was cute in high school, but now it’s just annoying.

3. You have more than three smoking devices.

A pack of papers, a blunt, maybe a bong and a one-hitter, but that’s it. If your room has three bongs, a couple pipes and then there’s a volcano in the living room and a reverse gravity under the sink, you’ve gone overboard. Calm down bro. All of these things will succeed in getting that bud in your system. All you’ve done is make your entire apartment smell like the inside of an ashtray.

Having pieces everywhere starts a slippery slope that ends with half-eaten chip bags stuck between couch cushions and old Chinese food in the bathroom trashcan. Now no one wants to come over.

4. You have to smoke before you run errands.

I used to live with a guy that suffered from this syndrome. He just had to smoke before he left the crib. He would take a hit as he walked out the door, just to ensure he would be as high as physically possible when he got in his car. If this is you, be careful. Running to the bank and getting your oil changed are things that can get done without smoking yourself stupid prior to.

And forget about going to the grocery high. Trust me, it can be a sensory overload. Suddenly, you realize you’ve been in the cereal aisle for 30 minutes trying to decide between two new flavors of Honey Bunches of Oats. You went in for milk and bread, but left with a two-liter bottle of Fanta and some lunchmeat.

5. You dip into your food budget to cop.

With the current state of the job market, more and more kids are coming out of college and ending up with jobs that don’t pay sh*t. Instead of making $40,000 a year, you’re making $400 a week, and after rent, money is tight. If you’re consciously making the decision to eat Ramen for a week just so you can cop, you might want to re-evaluate your current situation. You see an old friend and they comment on how skinny you look. New diet? No, I’ve just been working part-time and smoking 100 dollars worth of weed a week.

6. You always try to smoke in new places.

Getting out of your apartment to smoke weed can be enjoyable, like in the park or on your roof. But I don’t want you constantly trying to get me to blaze in different spots. I’m not going to try and smoke at the zoo or botanical garden with you, dude. The beach is too windy and smoking in your car is just running an unnecessary risk. Can’t we just smoke before we leave, not in the parking lot of the movie theater?

7. You always talk about what kind of weed it is.

I’ve smoked a ton of weed in my day and never cared once where it was from, who grew it or what its name was. If it smells and looks like good weed, then it’s good weed to me. There’s nothing worse than having to listen to somebody describe the strain of weed I just spent $50 on. You’re not a horticulturist; you just grew some weed in your closet. It’s a cross between Purple Haze and Alaskan Thunderf*ck? I really don’t care. The only pertinent question when it comes to weed is, “Will it get me high?”

8. You need to smoke before you go to bed.

Much like the wake-and-bake guy’s schedule, smoking before you turn the lights out is a part of your pre-bed routine. You brush your teeth, take out your contacts and smoke a bowl before getting under the covers. You’re not fooling anybody by grabbing that book off your bedside table. The same paragraph will be reread a couple times before you fall asleep with the lights still on. If the last time you tried to sleep completely sober resulted in you tossing and turning for a few hours, a detox might be in your near future.

9. You freak out when your guy doesn’t get back to you.

You put in with your dude, and he doesn’t respond quickly enough. Now, you’re freaking out. You start scrolling through your contacts like it’s 3:00 AM, and you’re horny. You’re texting people you haven’t talked to in years just because you know that they might know where to get some. At 23, texting that guy that sold you a dime bag in 9th grade is embarrassing for both parties.

It’s weed, after all, not crack. It’s been 20 minutes, he’s yet to text you back and you’re already heading to Washington Square? Jesus Christ, could you be less of an adult?

10. You’ve broken up with a significant other over it.

“We just weren’t right for each other.” Yeah right, man. She just got tired of watching you eat ice cream and fall asleep before 11 PM on a Friday night. As soon as ‘going out’ turns into buying two sandwiches at the deli below your apartment, she starts looking for a way out.

Once she meets a guy that enjoys doing things beyond watching "Family Guy," she is going to leave your ass. And you probably didn’t see it coming because you were too busy deciding what bong to use. Whatever, more time to smoke now. It was her, not you, right?

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