I’m not a sports fan.
It’s not that I hate the past time; I just never fully subscribed to the fervor.
As a child, I loved Super Bowl Sunday, but the excitement was at 100 percent because it was the solitary day of the year that my family ate junk food for dinner.
We even got to eat in the living room.
Guys, that was a big effing deal to a 10-year-old.
It was a day without rules and routine, and I could fall into a nacho cheese hole of bliss, while sitting mere inches away from the TV.
Now that I’m an adult and can eat garbage in non-kitchen rooms whenever I please, the day has lost a great deal of its magic.
Instead, I now focus that energy on another annual event loaded with equal parts physicality and pageantry: Animal Planet’s "Puppy Bowl."
“Why would I be entertained by dogs running in circles or falling asleep on the sidelines?”
Ugh. If you even have to ask that question, go jump off a bridge.
I want nothing to do with you because you’re clearly a sociopath.
1. The halftime show is never underwhelming.
Let’s face it: Some years, the halftime entertainment was not your cup of tea.
Acts like Coldplay and Katie Perry can be divisive, but you know who everyone can rally behind?
Keyboard Cat, who brought the non-existent crowd to its feet in 2014.
2. Don’t like puppies? No problem.
I really don’t understand how a person can be anti-puppy, but I will try to be respectful of your belief system (even though I think it’s bullsh*t).
Cats are generally present at the "Puppy Bowl" in some capacity.
There is also a rotating menagerie of player support.
In the past, there have been hamsters, penguins and -- starting this year -- silky chickens to fill the important roles of color commentators, statisticians and cheerleaders.
3. Puppy players are automatically more likable.
I may be a little biased, but the team members of Team Ruff and Team Fluff seem much more interesting than the Panthers and Broncos.
Sure, they don’t have huge philanthropies or visit children in hospitals, but they will never disappoint you by beating their wives or getting involved in dog fighting rings.
Instead, we have Bryan Adams, the lab mix who hails from Puerto Rico and loves Canadian singer-songwriters and Bubba, the Chihuahua special teams member who loves banjo music but loathes Forrest Gump jokes.
4. It’s incredibly calming.
There is nothing more hypnotic (or adorable, for that matter) than seeing a wiener dog wrestle a dog toy away from a Yorkipoo.
Truthfully, I could watch that scenario on loop. I dare say it would have the same effect as many illicit substances.
While sporting events tend to hype a person up and get his or her heart racing, the "Puppy Bowl" is a place of total zen.
5. These are “sports” extras you actually care about.
If hours of puppy footage played on loop all of Super Bowl Sunday is not enough for you, then don’t worry.
The web masters (angels) at Animal Planet have provided you with tons of extras you never knew you needed: fantasy leagues, in-depth analysis and profiles on the refs.
It is all ridiculous and amazing.
6. You can take the players home with you.
Every puppy featured in the event is from a pet shelter.
This means you could potentially adopt a player, becoming the proud owner of a D-List celebri-dog.
That’s a dream come true, and definitely more than I can say for the Super Bowl. (If you tried to take Peyton Manning home to cuddle and pet, it would likely be frowned upon.)
The "Puppy Bowl" website also gives people tons of adoption resources, so it’s the best commercial ever to give an unwanted mutt a home.
Hopefully, I have sold you on the idea that if you’re not into sports, don’t pretend.
Rally behind something equally American: doggies.
"Puppy Bowl XII" will begin on February 7 at 3 pm on Animal Planet.
It will air on loop, so if you want to check in on the big game, you can.
But I’m warning you: No matter how hard you look, you won’t find a water bowl cam on the Super Bowl.