In light of recent events, I have taken it upon myself to reach out to the troubled and confused Internet trolls.
The highly-regarded source for all scholarly information, Wikipedia, defines Internet trolls as:
“A person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community.”
With that being said, I need to pose a very serious question: Trolls, what are you gaining from expelling negative energy into the universe?
Is there some sort of hidden benefits plan in place for Internet trolls that non-trolls are unaware of?
Do you get dental out of this? Are there conventions and seminars on how to be the best troll you can be? Are there discounted childcare programs available?
Maybe some of you are confused and aren’t fully aware of your troll-like behavior.
I’m going to break it down for you into some simple questions you should ask yourself before posting in any form of online communities.
1. “Does anyone actually care about what I am about to say?”
Are you about to post an irrelevant comment that serves no function other than to shock or upset your Internet peers?
Are you about to argue in a way that can only be described as “that guy” in high school?
The guy who argued for argument’s sake with your teacher and sounded like a dumbass? If the answer is yes, do not post your comment.
2. “If someone said this to me, would it upset me? Would it ruin my day?”
If your comment serves no function other than degrading another individual or his or her actions, do not post it.
Do you think anyone actually values your prediction that Kim K is going to get even fatter during her second pregnancy?
How would you feel if people took time out of their day to compile their most degrading thoughts and applied them to you for the vast and endless world of the Internet to see?
Don’t post that sh*t.
3. “Did any of my 800 plus friends of Facebook, Twitter or Instagram send me a personal request, begging that I obnoxiously share my political or religious beliefs on my social media?”
I can almost guarantee the answer to this question is no. This, therefore, indicates that people aren't anticipating you voicing your political or religious opinions.
I can promise you that your fervent declaration of beliefs is not going to sway the minds of those who believe differently than you do.
You aren’t going to save people's “damned souls” by posting hateful comments, simply because their choices or beliefs are not parallel to your own.
The only thing you accomplish with that nonsense is looking like an idiot and a bigot.
4. “Would I be mad if someone said what I am about to say to someone I cared about? Would I want to physically assault them because of their unwarranted and rude behavior?”
If the answer is yes, you know what to do: Backspace it up.
5. “Am I applying any ounce of intelligence toward this comment?”
If the answer is no, please walk away from the keyboard. There is probably nothing worse than reading scum comments about topics the troll is clearly uneducated in.
You are entitled to your opinion, but if it is formed strictly from ignorance, your peers shouldn't have to read it.
6. “Is there something more productive I should be doing right now instead of being an assh*le?”
My friends, the answer is always yes. You should never have time on your hands to send hate out into the world.
You are accomplishing nothing, and you are not living up to your full potential. You have bills to pay, mouths to feed and a self-esteem problem to address.
If all else fails, go take a shower.
Try dealing with your own life, and stop procrastinating by hiding behind your computer screen and spewing hate. I can promise you it’s not a good look for you.
You see, my lovely trolls, I cannot tell you what you can and cannot say.
Praise the freedom of speech because it really is so fab. And with that right, I can tell you that you need to think about what you say before you say it.
It's high time you realize there are no benefits to spewing unwarranted anger. You are only adding additional hate and cruelty to the world, which is the last thing we need these days.
There are no benefits to doing this; you are only making a fool of yourself.
Whenever you put forth this negativity, you are simply discrediting whatever opinion you may have.
Is that really what you want?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.