The New Green Party: 10 Reasons Why I Want A President Who Smokes Weed

With the 2016 presidential elections quickly approaching, we have a lot of questions: What makes a good candidate? Do Tea Partiers actually like tea? Should I be fiscally conservative if I’m making less than $50,000 a year? Am I registered to vote?

There’s no denying a lot of us don’t give a sh*t about the elections because, from what we’ve seen, most of the candidates are straight-laced men and women, who care more about appealing to their party than to the people.

If we’re being real here, there’s too much bipartisanship in the government to really get anything done. A president has about as much power as a B-list celebrity — Jay Z and Beyoncé can enact more change than anyone in the Oval Office.

So forget all the promises about free college and tax reform, none of that’s getting done... at least not in the next four years. At this point, we need less of a Commander-in-Chief and more of a commander and kief.

If you’re going to be blowing smoke for the next four to eight years, let’s make it the kind we can all enjoy.

Let’s take a page or two from John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, George Washington and our current leader Barack Obama, and stop trying to stir the pot and just smoke it.

If you’re not part of the “green” party, clearly you’re going to oppose this post the same way Democrats oppose anything Republicans say and vice versa. But we have a right to our voice the same way every other “real” group does.

And this year, we’re looking for a candidate who understands if you want to get to that White House lawn, you better bring some grass.

1. He/she will be paranoid for the right reasons

It’s never good to be paranoid, but if you’re gong to worry about national security, you might as well have one of the best stoner reasons to do it.

Otherwise, you just look like a scared commander, who is paranoid for all the wrong reasons.

2. He/she will be much too chill to start aggressive wars

Before you decide to light up another country, it's good to sit down and light yourself up a fat blunt.

Nothing puts life into perspective more than a good smoke session, where you can engage another part of your mind and see strategy from another, less-clouded angle.

3. He/she will be more likely to seek resolution through speaking

Weed smokers love to talk and listen; they can have meaningful discussions for hours and are as down to listen as they are to offer their own opinions.

They like to learn, grow and see things from all sides. Our pot-indulging commander’s main weapon will always be his or her words.

4. He/she will know how to make a deal

He or she would have learned the art of negotiation and know when something’s a good deal and when someone’s just trying to take advantage.

He or she wouldn’t be one to compromise what he or she knows is right. And when there is a bad trade — he or she will just find another deal.

5. He/she will support the arts

You can't support the arts if you don't understand them. A good president should appreciate the culture of his or her country as much as he or she appreciates its future and its history. Culture is a part of both.

6. He/she would legalize it

If there's one war that needs to be stopped, it's the war on drugs. It's a wasteful, expensive and outdated war that should have ended years ago.

Where is anyone's stance on that one? Why aren't we talking about slowing down that roll?

7. He/she rolls up, not out when times get tough

The President of the United States is one of the most taxing jobs there is; it’s full of stress, panic and aging.

If you’re going to get through it with a clear head, you should most definitely know how to relax in a room of cloud.

8. He/she will stick to his/her word

A weed-smoking president would be all about transparency even when he or she is in a cloud of smoke.

He or she isn’t going to deceive you and flip-flop on his or her principles. A politician who smokes weed understands the value of sticky-ing to their word.

9. He/she knows all about the grind

A president who smokes weed is no stranger to the daily grind; he or she has been doing it for years and has developed a strong grip.

He or she will never stop because something is "good enough" and will work until even the smallest stem is weeded out.

10. He/she knows if it looks good and smells good, it’s probably good

Politics is all about intuition and being able to read people. A lot of people are going to try and screw him or her over, but he or she will know what’s real and what’s just badly grown.

A weed-smoking president will have an eye for deception, as well as he or she does for knowing to take a good thing when it comes along.