Why Pokémon Go Users Will Never Know The Struggle Of An OG Pokémon Player
My world rocked in 1998.
I mean, NYSYNC was my jam and Limited Too ransacked my mother's wallet, but this game was different. This was the year that Pokémon made its debut on Gameboy. I'm talking that Red and Blue version, the kind of game where you didn't leave your room for days upon days because your Charmander was damn near this close to transforming into Chameleon. It was the kind of game where Misty would not get the best of you in Cerulean City.
Kids these days will never know the real struggle of being a Pokémon wannabe MASTER. Oh, you caught a Snorlax at your local Walmart? Try catching him in Lavender Town. This isn't amateur hour. Don't know what I'm talking about? Then you're definitely not a 90s kid. Get out of here.
Pokémon Red and Blue were my childhood joy. That joy has been ruined. Ruined by modern technology. Do you know how long it took me to secure a Pikachu? You just went to go walk the dog.
On one hand, it's nice to see that my boyfriend is jumping at the chance to run errands with me. As we walk the dog, go to the store or even catch up on my "Real Housewives" shows, he's game. But it doesn't take away from the fact that this feels like a lie.
Call me passionate, or call me insane, but, let's be honest, you will never know the real struggles of Pokémon mastery:
You find the Pokémon, they don't find you.
You know the true struggles of getting caught in a cave and Zubats won't leave you alone.
Or Pidgey literally ruins your life.
There aren't any Bug Catchers in the real world.
When you're in Viridian Forest, those damn Bug Catchers won't stop harassing you. No, I didn't want you to stop me and ask what I'm doing. Just trying to get to Pewter City, you asshole.
Sidebar: Ask any 90s kid about Viridian Forest, and you'll get the same reaction: CRINGING. It was your first real experience as a Pokémon player, and it wasn't pretty.
The only assholes you encounter are other humans getting to them before you do
Brock needs to calm the fuck down. He's the douchebag of the Pokémon world.
Bet you didn't cry for five minutes getting all set-up
The struggle of picking your baby Pokémon in Pallet Town is real. It is the biggest decision you'll make in the game. How am I supposed to choose between Charmander, Squirtle or Bulbasaur!?
I literally always chose Charmander. That wittle face!
Guessing Magikarp sucks here, too.
Magikarp is literally the worst Pokémon ever. He is such a bonehead. I hate him.
All I've seen are Pidgeys, Eevees and Zubat. Yawn.
Alakazam is the MAN.
OK, your one "pro" is not getting stopped by strangers...
Just as your excitement begins in Pallet Town, you're stopped by a stubborn old man who forces you to fight him. Eye roll.
And this continues the whole fucking game. You get stopped everywhere you go. It's part of your fight to the end.
I guess it's not you, it's me. It's hours upon hours of dismay and anguish in the depths of Indigo Plateau. Go about your business catching Pokémon on your way into work or at the bar. But don't be surprised if you hear me shouting “IMPOSTER” to you from across the room. *Sigh*