Sometimes we need someone to literally tell us what to do, and that's when we turn to horoscopes. Because all of us are lost, and life is mostly terrifying.
So, for those of you who are especially scared, here are a few quotes you should steer clear of, based on your zodiac sign:
Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall.
Aries, you have enough trouble getting real about your limitations. Alice is a fictional character born from the thoughts of a man who creepily photographed children in the nude and had no interest in the adult world.
Find a real hero, and stop listening to quotes from nobodies.
Be still. The quieter you become, the more you hear.
These are the words of someone who probably doesn't own a cell phone. Do not trust them. I sincerely doubt anybody named Ram Dass ever had to answer a work email in his life.
There are people who are waiting to hear from you and deadlines to meet, Taurus. And you are the human equivalent of a sloth. GET MOVING.
If Plan A didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.
That's way too many plans, Gemini. You have the attention span of a gnat. You're going to need to zero-in on something at some point and accept you have more hobbies than you need for someone who hasn't recently gone into retirement.
Remember: Anyone with more than three careers on their LinkedIn account sucks at everything they do. Don't be that person.
Family is an anchor during rough waters.
“I'm just trying to learn how to fucking swim by myself!” you'll try to yell, as you gag on the salt water that is familial love. Get out there in the world and learn to be a parent to yourself.
Eventually, your family will understand… eventually.
Mistakes are proof that you're trying.
Actually, Leo, mistakes are also proof you're fucking it all up. Stop being SO nice to yourself. Admit when you've made a mistake.
That voice inside telling you “at least I have my pride” is right… unfortunately, your pride will literally be all you have if you don't stop acting like a prick and own up to your mistakes.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
This is bad advice for Virgos, who are way too literal and get stuck in the details. Virgo is a sign known for perfectionism, and perfectionists never get anything done.
A better quote for a Virgo would be “easy does it, but do it.” Better yet, Virgo, do it on a deadline.
Good things come to those who wait.
Not you, Libra. Do you know what you get when you wait? A bed covered in CHEETO dust, four pages of pros and cons lists, zero decisions and a life spent alone because Libras are lazy AF.
I say this with love, but there's a better quote for you, Libra: “Try harder.”
Opportunity doesn't knock — it presents itself when you beat down the door.
For a sign that's known to be riddled by stalkers and serial killers, this is terrible advice. Scorpios need to work on their boundaries and stop taking people emotionally hostage with their overwhelming personalities.
Instead of beating down any doors, why not create your own opportunities with the raging passion you hold inside?
Life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid.
Not everyone has the same idea of “important words,” Sagittarius. And for a sign that is outspoken to a horrendous fault, maybe you should consider whether or not your words are important to anyone else before you go handing them out like the world's biggest case of word vomit.
Think more, say less. And stop trying to shock everyone all the time with your outrageous opinions.
There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.
Capricorns are sheep. Technically, they're symbolized by the ram, but just because some quote told you to “take the stairs” doesn't mean you HAVE to take the stairs.
Some structures have elevators. Just look around for an easier way before you start telling yourself you HAVE to do anything. In other words, stop being such a sheep.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Aquarius, you're confusing enough already. You don't need a quote to reinforce your already off-the-wall, not-fit-for-society behavior.
Instead of deciding not to even try to join them, give yourself a week to read "How To Win Friends And Influence People." You might learn a little something about life here on Earth.
Don't call it a dream; call it a plan.
Pisces, it's not enough to just CALL something a plan. You're probably two months behind on the rent as you're reading this. You probably think it's cute, you sacrificing financial comfort for your lifelong dream, but this isn't "Rent." This is real life.
You have no plan. It is time to accept that being the traveling spoken word poet your little whimsical heart desires is not going to pay your rent and you need to get a day job before you get evicted.