How I Stopped Stressing About The Fact I've Never Had Sex As A 20-Something

by Madi Hinds
Julia Forsman

To be honest, I don't really consider my virginity as definitive. In fact, I don't really consider it anything other than a fact about myself.

I have blonde hair, and I have blue eyes. I've never traveled outside of my home country, and I've never eaten ribs. I've also never had sex. So what?

I'm not a virgin for religious reasons, and I'm not waiting for “the one” or anything like that. I've simply just never been in a position where sex was an opportunity.

But, society seems to have formed this idea that being a virgin is bad, and it's something to be ashamed of. When you stop and think about it, though, how does my experience (or lack thereof) affect anyone else?

I was once seeing someone whom I was very open and honest with about my virgin status. Looking back on it now, it probably should have been a red flag how hot under the belt this made him.

When I was seeing said guy, he talked about sex (and us having sex) a lot. In the beginning, it made me really uncomfortable, but I grew to kind of like it. He'd ask me what I thought I'd like, where I wanted to lose it and whom I wanted to lose it to.

As a 20-something, you'd think I would have already thought about this. Well, plot twist, I hadn't. He made me feel safe, and he genuinely listened to my concerns and fears. Part of me thought this was it.

We went on a few dates, and surprise, surprise, when he came over and we didn't have sex, we never spoke again. It was a classic ghosting situation, and he was total dick if you ask me.

For a little while after that incident, I began to question what virginity meant to me. I went through a stage of thinking I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough or I wasn't flirty enough.

One of my friends even said I was a tease. That really shocked me, considering I've only ever made out with one guy. How am I a tease if a) I have no desire to have sex, and b) a guy only has to brush past me in a club to make me nervous and cower?

I went through another phase of deep self-reflection. What did sleeping with someone mean to me? What did I think of myself? Why was I so scared to take off my clothes? Why have I never felt a desire to be with someone intimately?

What was it about intimacy that was defining who I was?

Growing up, I only heard stories from my friends about how upset they were when they slept with guys and never heard from them again. These hookups only seemed to lead them to heartbreak.

What I never heard my friends talk about was intimacy, love, passion or connection. I never heard them say how nice it was to spend the night with someone, or to watch movies and feel warm in someone's embrace.

Never once has the idea of a one-night stand or friends with benefits situation ever appealed to me. And you know what? That's fine by me.

Maybe I am waiting for the right person. Maybe I'm waiting for someone I trust, someone I feel comfortable with. But for now, I'm just being a 20-something who happens to be a virgin, and there's nothing wrong with that.

My advice to fellow 20-something virgins? Don't let this small part of yourself define who you are. Honestly, it just isn't worth it.

This article was originally published on the author's personal blog.