12 Common White Lies We Tell Kids, And What We Really Mean
As a nanny by day, a waitress by night and a 24-hour older sister, I have seen my fair share of kids. I love these little nuggets because they are so fascinating.
Everyone always compares little kids to drunken people, and it is an accurate simile. They can look at their hands in wonder for hours, they can’t always control their bodily functions and they say things that either make no sense or are completely true and harsh.
When drunk, we acquire the naivety that children happily flaunt. Drunk people don’t think about the consequences that will come with texting their ex the same the way a child does not evaluate the cons of sledding down a flight of stairs.
This age-appropriate ignorance is a fantastic advantage for us “grownups” (the quotation marks around such a word are necessary in order to maintain my sanity).
Has a drunken friend ever asked you why he or she had to leave the party?
You could tell the truth (which would be that he or she was acting like a moron), but that would just result in you being on the receiving end of some classic drunken rage and my favorite drunken-ism, “I’m not even that bad!”
In order to avoid that, you fib and tell them the party was getting lame, and then you change the subject to pizza. Ta-f*cking-da! You’ve avoided conflict.
The same thing goes for kids; it is remarkably easy to tell a boldface lie to a child and completely get away with it.
Not only can you avoid having a conversation that you don’t want to have with a child (especially when it isn’t your own), but you can also manipulate the situation so you come out of it as a role model in his or her eyes.
These lies you tell don’t even have to be downright untruthful; you can blur the lines and kids will still believe you. This is a wonderful tool to have handy when kids ask you questions that you simply do not want to answer truthfully.
Here are some great common lies we tell kids and what we really mean. Feel free to bust these out next time you nanny, go to a family function or are simply approached by a child.
You Say:
Can you please keep it down, kiddo? I have a headache.
You Mean:
I am hungover; please shut up. There is not enough Advil in the world that will make your voice any less high-pitched and obnoxious. I know you mean well, but I do not care.
You Say:
My plans for tonight? I’m going to read a book! I’m so excited!
You Mean:
I am actually going out and plan on doing a handful of morally questionable activities, but I want you to think that reading is cool so that you are inspired to exercise your brain.
After all, you and your generation are the future (cue the shiver up my spine), and I hope to still be alive when your generation is running this world.
You Say:
I’m texting my mom!
You Mean:
I am texting my friend, f*ck buddy, hot coworker or anyone but my mom. However, if I told you who I'm texting, you would ask me what we are talking about, and there is no way in hell I am telling you that.
You Say:
That’s a spice I use when I cook dinner. It’s called oregano.
You Mean:
You just found my weed that I keep in my parent’s decorative cookie jar, you nosy goon. That thing hasn’t been touched since it came out of its Pier 1 shopping bag, and of course you had to go snooping into it.
Even though the odds are you probably don’t even know what pot is, I will make you think I am a cultured individual who spends nights cooking up delightful delicacies.
In reality, when I use that “oregano,” the only culture I experience is saying “gracias” to the waiter who gives me tacos at the late-night Mexican joint that is my munchies heaven.
You Say:
I rolled my ankle while going for a run and it really hurts so I can’t do that, I’m sorry!
You Mean:
I do not want to play Cherry Cherry with you because it is a stupid game and it is not fun when there are only two people playing. Let’s just stay at home and watch a movie.
PS: My ankle probably doesn’t hurt at all, but on the off chance it does, it most certainly is not from exercising. I never run -- ever.
You Say:
I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
You Mean:
I do have a significant other or someone I get naked with on occasion, or I actually don’t have any sort of romantic partner at the moment even though I want one.
Whatever answer it is, I will never tell you the truth about my love life because whether you know it or not, that immediately advocates sex.
Sex is something you will not have until you are 38 because you are a precious little child and I envy your innocence.
You Say:
Your parents are so lucky to have you as their kid!
You Mean:
I am so happy that I only have to keep an eye on you for X amount of hours.
You Say:
I don’t understand.
You Mean:
I do understand (or at least I think I do), but I don’t feel like explaining. Can you please shut up and watch "Cake Boss" with me in silence?
You Say:
You're such a little rascal!
You Mean:
You are a sneaky son of a bitch and, though I cannot admit it, goddammit I respect you.
You Say:
Next time, I promise!
You Mean:
I really don’t want to do that and I am hoping you forget that I promised. If you do remember, then at least I postponed whatever dreaded activity you want to do and I will applaud you and your good memory.
You Say:
It’s time for a nap!
You Mean:
You don’t even have to fall asleep, but it is naptime … for me.
You Say:
You’ll understand when you’re my age.
You Mean:
I cannot wait until you are older and make up the same crappy lies when talking to little kids.
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