As I sit here writing this, I am attempting to eat soup for lunch without spilling it all over myself. This is the third day in a row I haven't been able to eat solid food thanks to an emergency root canal I had done earlier in the week. There really is no feeling like going into the dentist for a "routine" check-up to walk out five hours later with two fillings and one partially completed root canal.
I guess an all-liquid diet doesn't sound too bad, right? I mean, my boyfriend and I are heading to Mexico in, oh, 22 days for my 26th birthday -- aka the day I have to stop riding my dad's Blue Cross Blue Shield coattails.
Some people laugh at me because I still use his health insurance, but you know what? I don't care, because my dad has way better insurance than the one I'm about to sign up for.
But racing against your 26th birthday is no easy feat. Who has time to even go to the doctor? I guess that's why I have so much sh*t to deal with until February 24th rolls around. So here's what life is like when you're racing against time.
1. Your gifts become paying off medical bills.
HAPPY HANUKKAH, ASHLEY -- here's a blank check to pay off the apicoectomy you needed in December. Oh, and here's another blank check to pay off the random root canals you have been needing for the past month.
2. Your significant other just thinks you want attention.
OK, so maybe I do want attention, but this is DIFFERENT! It's necessary! I swear...
3. You become a hypochondriac.
Whenever anything starts to feel a little off, you immediately think something is wrong. Time is not on your side here so, God forbid it's something serious you have to take care of it ASAP!
4. You end up proposing to your significant other.
JUST MARRY ME, SO I CAN GET ON YOUR MUCH BETTER INSURANCE PLAN!
Not romantic enough for you? Life's about being realistic, and in all reality, I need your damn insurance coverage.
5. You willingly ask for a flu shot.
The awkward moment when this is your first flu shot...
During the last year of your coverage, you actually want to take the precautionary measures because there is no time to be sick.
6. You live on WebMD.
The moment something start to bother you, you needed to know EXACTLY what it could be. It doesn't matter how mild your symptoms are; your mind always drifts to worst-case scenario. Why? Because insurance.
7. You sick-shame anyone in a 25-foot radius.
If you are going to cough near me, you absolutely deserve every awful thing I'm going to say in response. Do you know how selfish it is to bring your damn sickness around healthy people? Especially at a time like this!
8. Your purse is like Mary Poppins' bag but filled with OTC meds instead.
It's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, am I right?
9. You actually need the painkillers you wish you got prescribed.
Maybe this is the only perk of saying goodbye to your parent's health insurance, but hey, you deserve something to ease the pain and anxiety.
10. If anyone needs medicine, you're the one they turn to.
Advil? Please, you have 10 packs in your bag. Excedrin? You've got plenty. Pepto? Of course!
11. Your friends think you're super lame.
Your friends offer you sympathy during the week, but as soon as Friday rolls around, they couldn't care less that you've had 25 injections in one week. They want you to come out and don't want to hear your excuses.
12. You don't make any appointments that will occur after you get the boot.
What's the point of a follow-up appointment if you can't even afford the co-pay, treatment or prescription that is sure to follow?
13. You stalk your co-workers for legit doctors.
Everyone knows the best way to find a doctor is to make someone suffer through an appointment first. No? Oh.
14. You regret every decision you have made up until this point.
Why did you send yourself down this blackhole of doctor appointments? Once you start, you really can't stop. All you have done now is sign yourself up for a mass influx of follow up emails and calls. Thank god for the mute button.