How To Survive A Hangover At Work
There are numerous moments in life when you seize the opportunity and surprise yourself by actually making responsible choices that reaffirm that you are in fact the adult that you pretend to be.
Then there are those not-so-proud moments when grabbing a quick drink after work on a Wednesday turns into an all night affair at multiple bars with strangers you've picked up along the way.
Morning always comes, and once the initial thought that you want to die passes, you make the awful realization that today is going to consist of you riding the struggle bus all the way until the end of the line.
*While driving to work*
So is that it?
Are we done?
Wait, am I still drunk? Is it bad that I can't decide? You win this round, Wasted Wednesday.
How am I more on time today than any other day this week?
If I were one of those people who actually said, “I'm never drinking again,” I think now would be the time.
*Checks appearance in car mirror*
OK, I look alright, don't I? I mean, these bags under my eyes have been worse when I've gotten more than three hours of sleep. Maybe I can pull this off!
*Steps into elevator at work*
I hope no one talks to me during this ride. Look down and don't make eye contact. It's only a few minutes, guys, no need to give me your life story.
Ugh, who has been smoking? Just hold your breath and think about something besides the nausea.
*Arrives at desk*
Only 20 emails to start the day! It's like the world knew I would be in this state. #SmallVictories
I should have stopped at McDonald's. Fast food is always the answer.
My mouth feels like a desert. I wonder if I can avoid talking to anyone on the way to get water.
*Heads to water cooler*
Just walk fast. You'll look like you're headed to something important that way.
No time to chat today, Shelia. I don't want to hear about your four kids at the moment.
*Back at desk*
Made it! And headphones in to signify to everyone to leave me alone.
Seriously, water is the best.
How do I not have any ibuprofen in my purse?
Maybe eating something is a bad idea. My stomach can't figure out what it's doing.
How many shots did we do again? Turning away free alcohol is basically a sin. So much Jack Daniels.
I wonder if my roommate is in the same boat.
Yeah, we are out of practice in our week night drinking, but we knew the night was headed that way.
Thank god, I'm not alone in this. Let the sympathy texts commence.
Do guys talk this much about how gassy they feel? She thinks pooping would help.
At least neither of us has thrown up.
Gah it's only 10 am?! I think today is the day I die. A slow cubicle death. I wonder how long until someone would notice.
I heard a rumor about a nap room somewhere in our building. I should investigate that. But that would require movement.
I wish Carol would stop creeping on me. Nowhere in your job description does it say you need to snitch on everyone in the office, Carol.
I guess I should try and actually get something done.
*A couple hours later*
I am officially starving. I want to eat everything. Anything and everything.
Pizza. I need pizza.
And a Mountain Dew.
*Heads to cafeteria*
This would be the day the pizza looks gross. Flatbread? No thanks.
Ok, fries? And chicken strips. Yes. Anything greasy will suffice.
This was a brilliant idea. So. Good.
I love ketchup. And salt.
Hold on, what are you doing stomach? This doesn't feel right.
I take back everything.
Should not have wasted $8 to eat 1 chicken strip and a handful of fries.
At least this pop is being agreeable.
*Back at desk*
It is freezing in here. I am never this cold.
Is this the alcohol trying to fight its way out of my system? That seems logical.
But really, adults need nap time too.
Cool, I put your contact name in my phone as “Bar Guy.” Very helpful.
And I apparently agreed to go on a date with you this weekend. Sweet.
But which one were you?! Too many people talked to us.
I bet my roommate remembers.
*Guy's identity is confirmed*
Ok, got it. He was kinda cute, but still.
Is it rude to take back my agreement and blame the shots?
Stop thinking about booze. You've lasted this long without puking.
Hopefully this isn't terrible.
I did it!!! I survived!
If I had the energy to run out of here, I would.
I'm coming for you, bed. Together we can sleep away the pain.
Oh. I forgot we're going out for Dan's birthday tomorrow night….