Now, I'm not here to call anyone out, but we're all guilty of those temporary moments of pettiness. Don't stress too hard because occasional pettiness doesn't necessarily translate into you being completely petty. Maybe you had an off day (or an off decade).
But, the first step is recognizing your trifling ways and accepting them. Here are five extremely petty moves we're all guilty of:
1. The “Bag Of Chips And A Smile” Petty
The weather is getting warmer, and that means one very important thing: cookouts and party season. The barbecue is sacred. Don't curse your karma by showing up at a party consciously unprepared and rocking up a bag of Doritos (not even the family size) and warm Coca-Cola.
Don't expect to get an all-access pass to the food. Yes, you got the invite two weeks ago, but life happens. (Insert Kanye shrug.)
It's time we leave our petty ways behind and start being good guests. (This also goes for alcohol and wine. As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn't drink it, you probably shouldn't buy it and serve it to your friends.)
2. The “Huh? I Can't Hear You” Petty
You rock out with headphones, even though you aren't listening to anything. Some days, you just can't be bothered, but petty people recognize other petty people.
We know your music is on pause, and that you'd rather not make the effort to engage in a conversation. Also, the gig is up. That fake, overly enthusiastic “huh?” is tired. We know you heard us.
3. The “Houdini” Petty
You turn into a magician every time someone asks to borrow something. Chapstick? Poof. Pen? Alakazam. Some money? Gone. Your cellphone to make a call? Sorry, no signal.
It seems like whenever someone needs something — no matter how small — it magically disappears. This is true for most things, except, of course, when someone asks for gas money. That's when you magically discover your bus pass. Ta-dah.
4. The “Do Less” Petty
You leave one lonely square of toilet paper on the roll. Now, you know better than to play like that during one of life's most sacred moments. Have you no conscience?
“That's probably enough,” you reason. “It's no big deal. There's more elsewhere.”
The point is, it's within your power to make someone's day by simply performing a simple act. Choosing not to is not a good look. Pay it forward, ya'll. Don't be that person.
5. The “Cough, Cough, Sniff” Petty
You pretend you're sick when someone asks to try your food. This is a classic. Let me set the stage: You've just ordered your favorite dish, and your friend (we all have that friend) starts giving you the eye. You know that look very well. It starts off innocently.
“Oh, man! That looks good! What is that?”
In your mind, you reply, “It's mine. That's what it is.” Your friend continues with a heartfelt, “Oh, I've never had that before. Can I try it?”
Now, this is the turning point. Instead of flattering your friend's request and giving in, you start listing off these imaginary illnesses and reasons why he or she shouldn't touch your food.
“Oh, I would let you have some, but my doctor said I've got walking pneumonia. It's really contagious.”
“You want some? You know my cousin gave me a new form of bird flu, and you only get it by sharing food. I don't want that for you, friend.”
If you thought of yourself while reading this, I'm here as the ghost of petty future to tell you that if you don't start checking yourself (or your friends), this life will lead you down the pettiest of roads. Purse your lips all you want, but life is funny. Don't expect a bottle of champagne when you've only contributed a swallow of orange juice. Let's do better.