I last changed my Facebook profile picture on October 9, 2015, and I honestly don't plan on changing it again for a very, very long time.
Why, you ask? Because changing your Facebook profile picture is an emotional roller coaster that I honestly have no interest in getting on -- at least for a while.
I can't just pick a random picture and post it there. HOURS of thought and energy go into into my choice. I think about what it makes me look like, when I should post it, who I want to like it, who is going to SEE it, who am I comfortable with seeing it. And OMG, don't even get me started on what caption I'm going to do.
It's just too stressful. Too much stress for my pretty little mind. And you know what? When I'm done going through all of this mental and emotional AGONY, I damn well deserve some LIKES.
So ride with me through my profile picture journey. It's Sunday morning. I'm hungover. Maybe I just puked. The point is, I'm not exactly feeling my finest. I need a pick-me-up. So what do I do?
I hit FB for some much-needed loving. And then my mind starts going:
1. I'm sad.
2. I feel like an ugly piece of sh*t.
3. What's a good pick-me-up?
4. I could work out.
5. I could go out and treat myself to a nice spa day.
6. ORRR ... I could sit in bed and do nothing.
7. How do I get a good old-fashioned confidence boost while sitting in bed?
8. Post a good Insta?
9. No, I already Instagrammed yesterday.
10. I gotta set a new PROF PIC.
11. Yes, I'll set a new prof pic, then lie in bed, watch my Netflix and soak up the affirmation as the likes pour in.
12. But, f*ck. What do I choose?!
13. Do I just go back to an old one?
14. No, but I want to ensure maximum likes, and everyone already liked my old one.
15. Gotta get a new one.
16. Time to go through my added-by-others photos.
17. Holy sh*t, why do I look like a monkey's butt in literally all of these pictures?!
18. Do I know how to open my eyes and also is it possible for the camera to add 997 pounds to a human face?
19. I gotta ask my friends.
20. **text all nearest and dearest to PLZ SCROLL THROUGH MY PICS AND CHOOSE A NEW PROF PIC**
21. Ugh, is she kidding? THAT picture?!
22. That is literally the ugliest picture of me ever.
23. If people think that's a good picture of me … what do I actually look like?
24. OMG, and this hammered AF picture of me dancing on stage at the bar is her second choice?! WTF IS SHE THINKING?
25. I gotta just pick it myself.
26. OK, this one from brunch a couple weeks ago isn't too bad.
27. AND it got a lot of likes when I posted it on Instagram.
28. But am I going to get less likes because people already liked it on Insta?!
29. But it was like two and a half weeks ago at this point…people have probably forgotten about it by now, right!?
30. And honestly, “isn't too bad” was too modest … I look fantastic.
31. Am I actually that tan? And OMG, my arms! They look so tan.
32. Not to mention the boozy brunch backdrop makes me look both fun and classy.
33. Am I fun and classy though? Like what am I trying to say about myself?
34. What message does this one picture send out about me to the WORLD?
35. OK, I'm overthinking.
36. Wait, but is it too summery-looking for March?
37. No, I mean that it was taken IN March. It's fine.
38. I wonder if it's really obvious that I filtered the sh*t out of it.
39. **stare at it for five minutes straight**
40. Am I a narcissist?
41. I feel like my face is starting to morph.
42. Alright, I need to stop looking at it.
43. I just gotta pull the trigger.
44. I hope Brad likes it.
45. He usually likes my pics, it would be rude if he didn't.
46. Not that I care if he doesn't.
47. Yeah, f*ck Brad.
48. OK, what caption should I do?
49. “Brunching with my bitchezzzzzz”
50. …but will people get that that was sarcastic? UGH, WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
51. How about I just go with no caption?
52. Yeah, I'll go with no caption.
53. Keep it ~simple~.
54. All right, time to post. LET'S DO THIS, BABY.
55. **two seconds pass**
56. OMG, only two likes?! THIS IS HORSE SH*T.