Let’s have ourselves a little chat. First topic of discussion: your gross abuse of the word “epic.”
While we respect your wild, over-the-top nights out partying and your amazing, unparalleled back-court shot and your gargantuan double-stuffed roast beef sandwich that closely resembles Jesus, can you please find another word to describe these phenomena?
For one, they can’t all be the same thing. (I’d argue the Jesus-sandwich is more "holy cow" worthy, but that’s just me.) For another, you sound like a bro who isn’t trying to sound like a bro, which is the worst kind of bro there is.
And here’s some bit of Aristotle for you: If everything is epic, then nothing is truly epic... because laws of epicness, of course.
The word has now been cheapened by frat boys declaring the latest fist-pumping, sounds-exactly-the-same-as-the-others Calvin Harris song as such.
And by vocabulary-challenged men claiming their mediocre attempts at full-grown facial hair are revelatory. Well, it ends here. Unless that beard is worthy of a long poem that’s recited orally and passed down through generations, then no, it’s not by definition "epic."
Using the word once in a sentence totally gives you away as a bro. Example: “That movie in which Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston’s dog dies at the end is EPIC.” Albeit false, the offense, while minor, is still humiliating and probably won’t get you laid.
Using the word twice in a sentence (which frankly, we didn’t even think was possible) pretty much secures your place in this world as a rudimentary douchebag.
Example, partially derived from Urban Dictionary: “In addition to regularly wearing socks and sandals, Scott says that ‘the table at the club was epic’ to advertise that he is a toolbag of epic proportions. We weren’t even trying to sound ridiculous there, and yet, we succeeded.
Surely, you guys could find other ways to make yourselves appear more foolish, instead of choosing to exploit a perfectly good word and render it untouchable for the rest of us.
Things that come natural to you, like shotgunning Mike’s Hard Lemonade and sharing workout mirror selfies or quoting “The Wolf of Wall Street” while looking up to Leo’s character.
Don’t insult us linguistically-responsible individuals who have enough self-control and tact to appropriately employ an English word. #Preach.
Cases in which “epic” should no longer be used as an adjective include:
- Any time it’s followed by the word “fail”
- Any time it proceeds the word “win”
- Any time it’s describing an EDM artist or festival
- Any time it’s promoting something
- Any time.
The word “epic” is kind of like the word “fetch,” and we all know our feelings towards that one.
Stop trying to make epic happen, it isn’t going to happen. And, coupled with your backwards hat and cutoff tank top, it’s like you don’t even go here. In fact, we preferred you didn’t.
We’re here to help break the cycle though. Bros, each instance you use the word epic a frat brother concusses from too much Natty Ice funneling. And when used in a female’s presence, it guarantees you vaginal lockage.
Think about that next time you’re tempted to do a keg stand with your boat shoes still on.
Especially as newer, trendier words like “basic,” “hangry” and “cray cray” come onto the language market, “epic” just seems, well, completely the opposite -- which is all the more reason we need to call for its immediate retirement.
Join us, Bros, as we start a motion to eradicate this incorrectly used adjective from all Brocabulary.
Because an "epic fail" is really just that.
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr