A couch is a beautiful thing.
It’s where we veg out. It’s where we watch TV. It’s where we let our drunken friends crash when they've downed too many shots at the bar.
It’s where we munch on our favorite snacks and enjoy a much-needed afternoon nap. It’s our main place to entertain guests, and it’s our go-to spot after a long day at the office.
Our couch follows us from apartment to apartment, from relationship to relationship, from lifestyle change to lifestyle change. It’s our constant companion.
As The New York Times puts it, “There are those who would argue that a great piece of seating lasts a lifetime.”
We don’t want to let our good old couch go. Once it's broken in, it becomes an old friend, one who always welcomes you and is there for you. You've had some of your best and worst times on it (respectively: Netflix; breakdowns).
But we constantly overlook how f*cking gross our couches actually are.
I began to think about this just the other day. Bae and I have sex on our couch regularly. We eat our meals on the couch after we've cuddled and boned on it.
We also rent our place out to horny Airbnbers all the time. Like us, they probably have sex and eat food on our couch, too. And we've never cleaned it. I mean, it's not a bed.
You don't wash your couch in the same way that you toss your soiled sheets in the washing machine.
How often do you even clean a couch?
A survey from Hygiene Counsel found that “61% of the population has either never gotten their sofas sanitized or professionally cleaned, or have done so only once or twice in the years that they’ve owned them.”
So people's couches get sanitized a few times during their entire residence. Or never. Cool.
THAT IS GROSS. We wash OURSELVES every single day. We wash our dishes every single day. We wash EVERYTHING every single day. Except the damn couch.
Why is the couch different? I don’t know. But we don’t wash it! I’ve had my couch for four solid years, and I have NEVER cleaned it.
I bet you’re freaking out a little bit, right? Me too, guys. That’s why we’re learning about this together.
Eating on your couch is nasty, by the way.
Eating on your couch means a few spilled crumbs. No one is a perfectly #cleaneater. But where do those crumbs go? Nowhere! They stay on the couch!
According to The Huffington Post, “Bugs will appear when there are crumbs left around. The most common creepy crawlers to show up? Ants and cockroaches.”
That’s right, everyone. Your home is full of ants and cockroaches just because you think it’s really cute to eat on your sofa like a dirty mongrel.
Your home is a vile, festering cesspool of vermin, and it’s all because of your gross couch and your gross habits.
"Honey, there's semen all over the couch!"
Sex on the couch. Who hasn’t had sex on the couch? It’s a soft, cozy spot. It’s perfect for an impromptu sex session.
You’re snuggling with Bae and watching Conan. Suddenly, you’re naked and humping each other’s bodies. We’ve all been there. It happens.
Elite Daily surveyed 45 Millennials, and 97% of the participants confirmed that they've had couch sex.
Have you ever successfully had sex without getting cum somewhere (other than inside or on your partner)? Yeah, neither have we.
After all of these couch quickies, your couch is going to be covered in semen and vaginal juices. Doesn’t that sound appetizing?
So. Much. Bacteria.
You know what else is all over your couch? A whole lot of bacteria!
Time to freak the f*ck out even more, ladies and gentlemen! A new study from Express found that the average family couch has more bacteria than a toilet seat.
Let me put it this way: Where you POOP has fewer bacteria than the couch. (You know, the one where you take your glorious, refreshing, weekend naps.)
People, the place where you drop a dump is cleaner than where you and your boyfriend/girlfriend engage in coitus.
I am THROWING UP.
The bacteria live, grow and crawl all over while you’re watching TV on your couch.
Dr. Laura Jana, a pediatrician, told the Housekeeping Channel:
Bacteria can be found just about everywhere around the home - on both hard and soft surfaces alike... While many families take aim at bacteria on hard surfaces such as kitchen and bathroom countertops, soft surfaces tend to fly under the radar during cleaning routines."
While you may have thought your couch was a lovely place to hang, it’s about the most unsanitary resting spot you could choose.
Soft surfaces are the grossest places EVER.
Disease-causing bacteria can survive on soft surfaces for 24 hours. Even listeria, the flu-causing bacteria, can live on your plushy, inviting couch.
Your couch is making you sick, which is cause for alarm. We all need to be washing our couches regularly.
Here is a step-by-step guide to disinfecting your couch. Please don't get sick and die. You can even clean the couch by yourself... because we all know we’re too poor to have that sh*t done professionally.