A Brand New You: 18 Things That Happen When You Start Working Out


When your most intense form of exercise throughout your life has been a keg stand coupled with the trek from your apartment to the CVS on the corner, the prospect of taking on a work-out regimen can seem like a very serious, very terrifying task.

The thing is, when it used to be possible to remain a size four all while stuffing your face with pizza and beer and never even remotely working out, as you get older, this becomes less and less of the reality.

Suddenly, all of those years of repute start catching up with you and rear their ugly heads on your waistline.

PSA: Your metabolism is shutting down. You are old.

It’s time to get your sh*t together and get your body into shape.

There will come a time in every sedentary 20-something’s life when he or she realizes it is time to trade in the burgers for salad, and it is time to trade in binge drinking for the elliptical.

Trust me, you’ll feel so much better in the long run. The hardest part is the first step, but we all get the push we need eventually.

As sad as it may be, we aren't the spry younglings we once were. Calories will no longer burn themselves. Don't hate -- just embrace. Sweat is just your fat crying.

Here are 18 things that happen when you start working out:

1. You realize you’ve inexplicably gained five to 10 pounds.

I remember the moment the good doctor had to move that slider on the scale over much too far a few months ago.

Gaining weight is NOT cool. Even though you’ve been doing nothing differently with your diet.

Somehow or other, you’ve gained fat in places it never was before.

2. You start to panic.

You feel really sh*tty about yourself when you are used to feeling so confident. You were hot without even doing anything!

Where the f*ck did this extra fat come from? Holy f*ck. You are officially getting older. NOOOOOOO!!!!!

3. You weigh your options (pun intended) and decide it’s time to start working out.

Even though you’ve never worked out before, you know it is time to make the move.

Your idea of working out is walking from your bed to your fridge and up and down your stairs twice a day.

4. You try to figure out if you should get a gym membership or a ClassPass.

It’s so much pressure. Which do you choose? Is a ClassPass too random for your first venture into the land of working out?

Is a gym membership too much of a commitment?

5. You decide on a membership to a gym with classes.

It’s the best of both worlds. Kickboxing isn’t that hard, right?

6. You go to your first class super pumped up.

Also, you are very anxious. Will the people at the gym like you?  What if everyone is a bunch of weirdos and you don't make any friends?

7. You walk out of your first class wondering what the actual f*ck you just did to yourself.

The endorphins are real. Sure, you feel great, but there were several moments where you thought you really were not going to make it.

You didn't even know it was possible to be this wet without a hot man on top of you. So. Sweaty.

The last time you felt like this was when you had whiskey vagina after your senior formal. Don’t act like you haven’t been there.

8. You wake up the next day too sore to function.

You feel pain in parts of your body you didn’t even know existed. It hurts too much to bend over and tie your shoes, let alone put on pants.

9. You get yourself on a normal routine.

You literally count down the days you’re working out: week one, followed by week two, followed by week three. Where are the results, f*ckers?

10. You stop indulging in your terrible habits.

There is no more going up on a Wednesday. After a hard evening at the gym, the only thing you’re doing is hand-washing your underwear, drinking a protein shake and passing out by 9:30 pm.

11. You make friends at the gym, and they motivate you to go to classes.

We’re in this together, guys! Friends who gym together, stay together.

12. When you take a day off, you go really hard.

Binging, binging, binging all the day long. You tell yourself it’s fine because you’ll just burn it off at the gym.

13. There are times when you almost fall off the wagon entirely.

It’s just so hard to stay away from ice cream and choose a treadmill over a night on the couch.

You have to remember it’s only one hour of your day, and it’s all going to be worth it.

14. When you cheat, you feel extra guilty.

You realize you’ve basically derailed an entire week’s worth of gym time.

You wonder why you even bothered. It racks you with guilt. As mama used to say, "A moment on your lips, forever on your hips."

15. But that only makes you want to work that much harder.

No more guilt for me! Only endorphins, a tight butt and a flatter stomach.

16. Someone finally notices how great you’re looking these days.

Working out becomes an addiction the second someone notices you’ve been kicking your ass at the gym.

It’s possibly the best compliment you’ve ever gotten. Forget the time your boss loved the project you worked really hard on -- someone noticed your hard abs!

17. You’ve joined the tribe.

When you once despised the idea of subjecting yourself voluntarily to sweaty torture at the hands of a peppy trainer, you’ve finally accepted this as the best choice for yourself.

18. You’re finally an adult.

Now that you’re making healthy decisions and sticking to them, you’ve never felt better.

Not to mention you’re looking better in your mid-20s than you did at 19.