V-neck t-shirts are like sandwiches. Conceptually, they’re two of the most basic entities known to mankind.
One is merely a shirt with an angular neckline, and the other is simply some sh*t wedged in between two pieces of bread. Boring, you say? Well, I say, that’s hogwash. Let me explain.
See, depending on where you grow up, v-necks and sandwiches will pop up entirely different than what you may be used to.
Sure, back home, you very well might’ve grown up on white bread with a schmear of peanut butter and jelly -- along with modestly tailored v-neck t-shirts from the GAP.
But, when you ventured to France, and saw a baguette for the first time -- and necklines that hung below the chest -- you started to realize the more distinctive nature of the two.
Then, when you got to Italy, and saw panini with truffle oil -- and necklines that now hung below the belly button -- you suddenly digressed entirely from your initial “boring” preconception.
That’s my point. Frankly, your v-neck of choice can tell a lot about you, as a person. Have you ever wondered why most v-neck t-shirts don’t contain graphic designs? That’s because the neck does all the necessary talking, so to speak, by itself.
In the world of v-necks, depth is everything. The daring nature of a deep v-neck tells single women, “I’m confident,” in one of the most alluring ways possible: by fully advertising one's meavage with nary an inhibition. "What is meavage?," you might ask.
Quite simple: man cleavage. Yeah, women aren’t the only ones with cleavage to flaunt, ask any true “masculinist.” Trust me, whenever I get pulled over and see a female cop saunter over to my window... I’m pulling down my v. Down with the matriarchy, man.
As a rule, the deeper the v-neck is, the fewer f*cks the said wearer gives. For example, I’m from Long Island. This means, more often than not, I will opt for an extra deep v-neck that I’ll likely stretch out -- on my own, further -- to adequately show off my abundant field of chest hair.
It also means, more often than not, that I’ll be looking to creep on your girlfriend at the club, so if you see the chest hair poking out of the v -- steer clear.
Long Islanders typically give zero f*cks, and have a huge sense of self-entitlement, which is why not only is their v-neck initially deep, but they make it even deeper -- by stretching it out themselves.
This is why, upon closer inspection, a lot of Long Islanders will have a few pulled hems by the vertex, if you will, of the v. I’m sure you can recognize a lot of these guys from your experience passing through Murray Hill during the summer.
When v’s are subtle, and tend to hug the neck, you’ve got a good man on your hands. Short v-necks are almost always the cut-of-choice for “good guys” because of their conservative temperament.
Ladies, this is the type of guy you should look to latch yourself to for the long term -- dudes, this is probably not the guy you’re going to want to kick it with this weekend because he’s probably mad boring and, like, too tired from work or something.
His shirt is tidy, though, and he’s a man of morality. He’s also probably called a p*ssy by most of his friends.
Everyone else generally falls somewhere within the spectrum of “Long-Island-deep” and “he’s-probably-a-p*ssy-short.”
Remember back in kindergarten, the teacher would hand you a couple pieces of white construction paper and one pair of those safety scissors, and tell you to “fold the paper in half” and “make some snips” -- ultimately demonstrating the idea that no two snowflakes are the same?
Well, I always say, no two v-necks are the same. Nor are two v-neck wearers. And remember, these are guidelines, but like with all things, looks can be deceiving! Enjoy your Tuesday.
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