The 40 Signs You're An Absolute Pro At Jewish Geography

by Dan Scotti

Chances are — if you’re from Long Island, Westchester or a few towns in Jersey — you, like many, are your own little “Christopher Columbus” in regards to the map of Jewish geography.

Whether you’re stepping into your local deli for a cup of 15-calorie-or-less frozen yogurt, or passing through the quaint neighborhood of Murray Hill, one fact remains the same: Jewish people are everywhere. And if there’s somewhere they’re not, I can promise you, one of their camp friends is close by.

While, like anything else, there’s a degree of skill required to playing Jewish geography — as long as you’ve been to Fire Island, the Hamptons or AC (at least twice in your life) and stayed at a friend’s house — you should be fine. Here are the 40 signs you’re a master of the art of Jewish geography.

1. You use visiting your grandparents in Boca as an excuse to tan for 10 days straight, while Catholic people celebrate Christmas.

2. Boca Beach Club, Glen Oaks, Pine Hollows, or peasantry.

3. If your grandparents don’t live in Boca Raton, you’re, without a doubt, in Aruba (or Cabo) for the holidays (until NYE, duh).

4. You learned how to cut the neck of sweatshirts, properly, after Bar Mitzvah giveaways.

5. Your girlfriend is in Theta at Michigan.

6. Your boyfriend is in ZBT at 'Cuse.

7. You felt like the sh*t in high school when you told your group of friends you couldn’t chill this weekend… because you were going to a “camp party” in a different town.

8. You went on Birthright with a “random” group of people, in hopes of branching out. By random you really meant “not in my fraternity or immediate group of childhood friends.”

9. This “random” group of people became your lifelong friends, for about six weeks, until you never spoke to them again.

10. Your friends had extravagant Sweet 16 parties, where your main objective was to “hu” with at least two or three of the birthday girl’s camp friends.

11. Some of your friends got nose jobs in lieu of these extravagant Sweet 16 parties.

12. You spent an entire summer “discovering” some college in California (UC-Something Unimportant).

13. Your college roommate is your camp friend’s best friend from home.

14. You could swear you’ve met somebody before… until you realize you haven’t… unless Facebook pokes count.

15. Between your pledge class and CIT group chats, the battery on your iPhone lasts till about 11 am.

16. Your mom is a vocal member of your town’s “Swim and Tennis Club” (and by vocal, I mean, she really loves to f*cking gossip).

17. You knew who Jen Selter was, circa 2012.

18. You introduce yourself as (insert kid from Great Neck)’s boy whenever you’re out in the city, in hopes of bottle service… for cheap.

19. You introduce yourself as (insert kid from Syosset)’s boy whenever you need drugs… for cheap.

20. You introduce yourself as (insert kid from Roslyn)’s boy whenever you need someone to take your SAT for you… for cheap.

21. Your parents were fine sending you abroad — where you were surrounded by different churches in Europe for five months — but would never dare allow you to bring a Catholic home for dinner.

22. You have put "we live 10 months for two" as your AIM away message… along with your bunk number… and the date of your last Dave Matthews concert.

23. You took selfies with your “roomies” on your spring break in the Bahamas during senior year of high school, before ever actually deciding on a college.

24. You casually have unspoken pacts with home friends of camp friends to like each other’s pictures on Instagram.

25. You studied abroad -- in Florence, Barcelona or Prague.

26. Most of the girls you find on Tinder, you’ve already creeped on via Facebook inbox… while you were in high school.

27. You only know your way around the LIE from shadily picking up younger girls from different high schools on the North Shore (and sometimes Merrick).

28. You’re a Jewish girl, and “Justin” is still only the second-most beloved “Timberlake” among your group of friends.

29. You have friends from both Spanish River and Plymouth-Whitemarsh High Schools, but you have no clue what state either of them are in.

30. You can have an amazing night out walking up and down the bar saying hi to people and talking about who is or isn’t there.

31. Let’s be real: Westcoast Connection gave you a legitimate shot at losing your virginity every summer.

32. You only got a bid to your sorority because your camp friends are hot, and they’re tagged in all your pictures.

33. You consider your Livingston friends to be like distant relatives you can call to meet up with when you’re in town.

34. You find the urge to keep up appearances at Turtle Bay for happy hour to let everyone know that, yes, your family friend did get you that sick job offer (but you still keep it real enough for $1 beers).

35. You still call your friends from camp, “camp friends,” well into your 20s (really think about this one; it’s epic).

36. You’ve resorted to flirting with guys en route to that elusive hundredth Instagram like.

37. You’re Catholic, but, considering the amount of money you’ve spent on Jewish girlfriends, decided that Taglit owed you at least one free trip… and applied for that phone interview.

38. After you graduate, the only thing you and your Jewish friends will have to look forward to is getting drunk and dressing up like Santa Claus for Santacon.

39. You’ve contemplated telling people you’re a student at NYU because you stayed in the dorms there last summer.

40. Your dinner tonight is chicken parm.

Top Photo Courtesy of IWITOT