The 30 Reasons That You Don't Want To Turn 30

by Lauren Martin

Is there a more magical time than your twenties? Is there any time more exciting, carefree and seemingly endless than those years between 19 and 29?

You're young enough to get away with those childish antics of blacking out and experimenting with drugs, sex and leather pants, yet old enough to demand the respect and privileges that come along with adulthood. You are the epitome of youthfulness and a sad reminder of the hopes and dreams that will never transpire. You are the younger woman that men chase; you are the younger man that older men envy.

Those of you still in your twenties probably know that this is as good as it's ever going to get. You're like that hot girl in high school who knows she's peaking at 18 and better take advantage of it now.

You're cocky, entitled, narcissistic and trying desperately to evade the truth. You live in a delusional world of trendy night clubs, unprotected sex and Adderall binges, where getting old is viewed more as a chosen path than an inevitable outcome.

As you stare at your nubile complexion, free of wrinkles and sags, debating what mini skirt or hoodie you are going to confidentially shrug off, you unknowingly commit the fatal error of every generation before you. Like anyone who was ever young and invincible, you believe in eternal youth, acknowledging middle age as a far off idea that will never come to be.

It's impossible to imagine where you'll be in two weeks, let alone six years, enabling you to block out any trace of the subconscious concern. Much like death, it's an inevitable truth we do not acknowledge or give a passing nod to, only hoping to live through a time when we will figure out how to escape it.

And once you hit 26, you realize that four years is not a lot of time and that one day, the inevitable will happen and you will wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and come face-to-face with the cold, hard truth that you are now 30, and life is only downhill from here.

For many of you, the idea of real adulthood begins at 30. Many of you are on your parents' health insurance plan until 26, have yet to stray from the family cell phone package, and the only kids you ever feed are your drunk friends.

We've stigmatized 30 to be the new 40, with an increasing demand to have children, own a house and be wealthy. We assume that 30 is as old and sad as 40, and life has plateaued into a sad story of middle age. Many of your parents, belonging to the generation of the Baby Boomers, were settled down and having kids by 30, perpetuating the trend that all freedom and life as we know it ends at the big 3-0.

So, as you slowly head towards the inevitable, shying away from birthdays and older friends, you begin to swear to yourself and everyone around you that you'll never cut your hair short or wear khakis.

You promise that you won't be one of those 30-year-olds who talks about their endless array of baby showers and weddings. You swear to everyone that you won't buy a Stair Master or enjoy any type of espresso machine in your home.

But you begin to worry, wondering if you are going to take back those wordy promises and find yourself yearning for the bob haircut and Lilly Pulitzer skirts, as you harvest your eggs, freeze your sperm and look for any man or woman who will marry you.

So, as you continue to enjoy your youth and bask in the years of supple skin and tight bods, slowly begin to prepare for the inevitable day you blow out those candles and realize your worst fears have been realized. Here are 30 reasons we don't want to turn 30:

1. Not only is it not cute to black out, but it will also most likely lead to an intervention.

2. You cannot blame your parents for your mistakes anymore.

3. Being single is no longer a choice, but a depressing statistic.

4. Living at home goes from being financially savvy to creepy and sad.

5. You are getting uglier by the minute.

6. You will feel the urge to conform to everyone around you and get a bob or crew cut.

7. You get excited over buying a new vacuum cleaner and/or crock-pot.

8. All the professional athletes are now younger than you, making you feel especially inadequate about your life.

9. You have to learn what a 401k is.

10. You're no longer the young kid in your office.

11. People will assume they should use a prefix before your name.

12. You can't smoke weed without people assuming you're unemployed.

13. Your biological clock is ticking for kids you don't even want.

14. Your parents are getting old and expect you to help them more.

15. You can't casually do coke in the club bathroom.

16. Spanx will become your go-to staple, replacing the crop top and onesie.

17. You start thinking about saving for Botox and liposuction.

18. You have to drop serious bank on baby shower gifts, even if you don't go.

19. Casual hook-ups become less available, unless you're willing to commit in extra-marital affairs.

20. Everyone around you starts to look younger.

21. You can no longer poke on Facebook without being investigated for child molestation.

22. You are only 10 years away from 40.

23. People begin to suggest things like "colonoscopy" and "hormone shots."

24. You start becoming increasingly attracted to the tankini.

25. People will judge you if you work at a coffee shop.

26. People start confusing you with your grandmother.

27. No one under 30 will ever accept your friend requests.

28. You can no longer have public meltdowns.

29. If you sleep till noon people will assume you have a drug problem.

30. If you're fat now, it's only going to get worse.

Top Photo Courtesy: FilmFresh