Los Angeles, the city of angels, the city of dreaming of your name in lights and, sadly, the city where many from the outside look with sour, judgmental eyes. We're fake; we're superficial; we all want to be movie stars; we lack intelligence … you can fill in the never-ending blanks.
People are such haters on our city. We have great weather, beautiful people, a variety of quality produce, Cali weed (enough said), amazing Mexican food, beautiful beaches and exquisite mountains. Jealousy is, after all, why people hate on us.
However, the natives despise what the city is turning into and the copious amount of disturbing characters cramping our reputation as (insert Spanish accent) Los Angelenos Reales.
So, I can understand those hateful adjectives you'd use to describe Los Angeles and the inhabitants within, but there are natives like me who were born and bred in LA.
I've seen all possible characters that comprise LaLa Land, inside and outside the proximity of Hollyweird. The love for my maternal city burns with passionate fire inside my heart, just like the average Angeleno's love for tacos burns with spicy fire, extra jalapeño.
We know how to live with these stereotypical characters of Los Angeles. Heck, native Angelenos even have a sprinkle or two in their characters. Surprise!
The One Who Knows Someone in Hollywood
This person is probably a talent agent, PA (production assistant) or another Hollywood wannabe. He or she either “knows” a famous actor or has partied with one and recounts over-exaggerated encounters.
Vatos locos forever. They're what weaves the heart of LA's style and culture: the Chicanos.
They'll intimidate you with their tres puntos tattoos, flannel shirts, wife-beaters and insulting words with “esse” at the end of the sentence. But, they've got the biggest hearts; they're all about family and filled with colorful culture.
The Yoga Freaks
Most of them live in Santa Monica or somewhere in the hills of Hollywood, Brentwood or Silverlake, where the habitat is filled with wild life.
You can catch yogis with bottles of pressed juice or kombucha tea. Beware: They will judge you for your nasty GMO eating habits, but will be caught with hypocrisy.
...Or porn star. Boatloads of people from all over the US migrate to the far west with big hopes. Props to them for believing and taking a leap, but sadly, the majority don't make it.
The ones who have moderate acting skills with banging bodies will consider porn and stripping for the others who can shake their money makers (pun intended).
You take a stroll on Hollywood Boulevard and a few homies with ghetto blasters turn up the sound to their latest homemade rap album.
He wants you to buy one and to convince you, he claims he's a producer for Diddy or another big music mogul. And, oh yeah, he's got a studio where he kicks it with his entourage.
This is no yogi. He or she is not spiritual or mindful of the ecology. This person is always on a diet consisting of quinoa and baked chicken breast. He or she posts selfies at the gym at least four times a week as an (unconscious) egoistic motivator.
You can catch one at the gym checking out his or her muscles in the mirror while curling those husky arms. Very likely to be a herbal life sales associate hustling you to buy a product.
LA is the second biggest city in the US after New York. We may not be aggressive (on the outside) like New Yorkers, but we have many opportunists that definitely, without hesitation, will step on you in any way possible to take your position, get a raise or be the boss's favorite.
They'll make work a living hell, and this goes for all professional fields. The playing field can look dirty when so many great opportunities are up for game. Some just don't know how to play the game with class -- too bad for them.
The Tacky Narcissist
He wears Ed Hardy; she has Hello Kitty accessories with a designer handbag she can't afford. They have crazy credit card debt, flashing their new Mercedes Benz and popping bottles on the weekends.
A majority came to LA to become actors, but living a “lavish life” seems to be satisfying enough when they walk up in the club like celebrities. She rolls in with an amazing boob job and glittery lip gloss, channeling a cheaper version of Paris Hilton; he channels Mike “The Situation” from "Jersey Shore."
This person isn't just a surfer or reggae-loving dude. Weed is basically legal in LA and all walks of life smoke it. Don't judge a pothead for being a pothead; you'd be surprised by the amount of well-achieved and productive individuals who smoke cannabis.
We won't judge whether you smoke it or not, but one thing to remember is it's not just the weather or weed that makes us chill people. Our energy is always relaxed, and you can feel it in the city. So, just chillax; we don't want your negative vibes.
And, don't forget, we're all about vibes!
The Jaded LA
AKA, newly out-of-towners who see the whole city sparkling everywhere at every time.
They'll ask you where to spot a celebrity and go hunting for one. They want to make it in LA, but they're so jaded, they become blinded by the light. Thus, they eventually go back to their hometowns. But, that's okay; they're still very young.
The Native LA
We despise Hollywood and all the wannabes. We knew the cool stuff before it was cool. We've met and, on occasion, hung out with a celebrity, but don't give a sh*t because they're regular people.
We hate gentrification and migrate in the opposite direction from areas that start to become known by non-locals. If we don't have tacos for more than a week, we start to become feeble.
We hate walking and complain our legs hurt when parked far away. There are so many non-natives, we're hostile towards all of them.
We hate the valley and never stop bashing it for being so boring. We see our friends once a month because they live so far. We will get angry at you for putting us in the categories above. The sun gives us eternal happiness, and we take that for granted.