Full disclosure: Sometimes I am unashamedly evil and weird and will do things like make fake plans that I have no intention of keeping, but still will get the credit for initiating.
Apologies in advance to every long-lost childhood “friend” reading this now. And to everyone who has tried, but failed to do this to me. I guess I really wanted to see you?
There are few free gratifying acts of humanity left in this world. Canceled plans when you really, really didn’t want to meet in the first place is right up there with getting laid instantly and realizing you’ve got 85 percent M&Ms in your handful of trail mix.
Perhaps you agreed to drinks with the ultimate flakey person, knowing they would never materialize. Or maybe you’re just unbelievably exhausted and no longer have the energy to be entertaining.
We all know what that feels like. And for all we know, the person on the other end feels exactly the same way.
Sometimes the best plans are the ones that never amount to anything. Here are the 12 times canceled plans are the best plans.
1. When you have a giant pimple
Not to sound like a Clean and Clear commercial, but when you have an enormous breakout on your face, the last thing you want to do is be Miss Social.
You couldn’t even keep this meeting if you wanted to because you now have to do emergency surgery to your pores. This gives a whole new meaning to saving face.
2. When you’re supposed to meet your ex-friend entirely out of obligation
"Oh noooooo? You can’t come anymore? That is soooo unfortunate. I was really looking forward to seeing you.”
"Don’t worry about rescheduling. We’ll find a different time.” ...In another 10 years.
Yay! You can go shave your back now.
3. When it complicates everything else
Dinner plans smack in the middle of the evening can really cramp your style. Why should you have to work around other people’s schedules just because you have a creative writing job?
There’s no better feeling than being off the hook for annoying, expensive mid-week dinners after stressing all day about how you’ll get there on time and fit in the gym and watch the latest “American Horror Story.”
4. When you were excited planning it two weeks ago, but are dreading going now
What Sharpie markers were you smoking two weeks ago that you thought you’d actually want to go pottery painting with your neighbor?
How is that remotely more fun than staying home by yourself, catching up on laundry and watching Bravo reunion specials? You should know yourself well enough by now to realize that the only plans to get excited over are the ones in which you have absolutely nothing to do.
5. When you know that your hand can do it better
Why go through the whole thing -- you know, drinks, small talk, awkward eye contact, putting on pants -- when they’re already off and you don’t have to?
Sometimes, it’s nice to have someone else do the dirty work for you. Others, like when it’s past your bedtime, you’d rather just DIY like a crafty Pinterest board and close out when you want to.
6. When you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time
There’s never really a great time to meet the parents -- it’s just something you have to sort of get over with -- which is exactly why you’ll gladly postpone that fateful day as many times as possible.
“I was really looking forward to kidnapping myself becoming best friends with your mother,” said no one, ever.
7. When you’re already in bed
Game over. Your comfy mattress is a total trap and you know it.
The minute you climb into bed, take your socks off and start casually perusing takeout options, the chances of you making it back out are about as high as state troopers patrolling the expressway. Consider the plans already canceled.
8. When your booty call is no longer going out either
Don’t lie to yourself: The only reason you wanted to go out in the first place was that you thought the guy you wanted to hook up with would be there, too.
Now that he’s staying in and you still haven’t showered, you have absolutely no more desire to venture out of the house. Could plans that fall through be any more welcomed?
9. When the initial plan was an empty gesture
Faux friend: I miss you! We should totally meet up for drinks!
You: Yeah, totally.
Faux friend: Are you free next Tuesday?
You: My schedule is looking really busy this time of year.
Faux friend: OK, let’s do it in two weeks then. I really need to see you!
You: Uh, same.
Faux friend: Great! We must catch-up. I just went through the worst breakup and I’m borderline depressive and I need someone to just listen to me talk about it for hours.
It’s like someone handed you a “Get Out of Jail-Free” card.
10. When it’s the second date and you’re not really into it, but you feel like you have to go
You’d rather not put on a full face of makeup and waste a good outfit on someone you don’t care about.
So you play that game and avoid texting him in hopes that he forgot, he’s working late or he got eaten by a land-dwelling shark. Lucky for you, he’s just calling to cancel.
11. When you’re hungover
You can barely formulate coherent sentences let alone carry out an entire conversation. The only people you want to see right now are Advil and Pillow.
12. When you just want credit for making them
This is pretty much all the time. When it comes to making plans you borrow from Lindsay Lohan’s work philosophy: You’d rather not have to show up.