Costco Kid: 18 Signs You Were Raised By Costco

by Dan Scotti

Welcome to Costco Wholesale, the Club Med of responsible home-owning. All right, let’s keep it a buck with each other here, that place raised us.

And with good reason. It truly is a magical place. Costco is where you can buy pretty much any amenity your house could possibly need – in massive quantities, all for cheap – while also being fed free samples like an Egyptian pharaoh who has some errands to run.

Sadly, as we’ve gotten older, trips to Costco have become more of a rare occurrence. While we all would love to hit Costco for a full year’s worth of floss, or a couple sh*tty DVDs for under 5 dollars, there simply isn’t enough time anymore. Or at least that’s how it feels these days with work, or college, or work and college.

Regardless, Costco still has left its imprint on us, and changed us all for the better. I promise you that. If you can attest to that, you can probably relate with a few (or all) of the items on the list I just put together. It shall be called: the 18 signs that Costco raised you.

18. Costco expanded your culinary palate.

There really aren’t many things more rewarding than having 1/8th of a soy-based vegan burger or a thimble sized cup of some obscure fruit juice in the course of your afternoon shopping.

17. You’ve made entire meals out of free samples.

If you didn’t have at least eight different varieties of Costco-samples did you even really go to Costco?

16. You're impeccable at fitting large quantities of sh*t into cardboard boxes.

Aside from maybe those clowns who pile into small cars, like, 15 at a time – nothing is more impressive than you stuffing an entire shopping cart’s worth of groceries in bulk into three cardboard boxes.

15. Every piece of literature in your house came from a Costco bin.

While you can’t put a price on education, the fact that Costco has large vats of books – all for like 3 dollars per novel – definitely helped fill out your family library.

 14. Every sock in your dresser came from a Costco bin.

Hey, they aren’t Ralph Lauren, but he ain’t gonna give you 18 pairs of white socks for less than a quarter a pair.

13. Your entire house came from a Costco bin.

Wow dope television! Where’d you get it? Costco.

I love these curtains! Where’d you get them? Costco.

This trail mix, it’s fantastic! Where do you get this? Costco.

12. At one point someone has asked if you were sponsored by "Kirkland Signature."

Every superstar has his or her own respective sponsor. D-Rose has Adidas. For Jordan, Nike. Hell, Rick Ross had Reebok. I wore so much Kirkland Signature brand attire I could’ve been in the catalog.

11. Your crib was the "house to be at."

Whenever friends came, over of course, they suggested your house first. I mean, obviously. Your snacks all came in bags, or barrels, big enough for all your friends to actually dive right into – literally.

10. Family outings on Sunday mornings were simply Costco.

Okay. Pack up the car, the Scottis are going to Costco. [Everyone jubilantly files into the SUV and sings along to "Sweet Child Of Mine" en route to Costco.]

9. And you met all your friends' parents at Costco.

It’s uncanny, every time you ever went to Costco growing up, you ended up seeing your friends – and their parents – doing the same thing. Then, in like two weeks, you’d meet them at your friends house and say, “I remember you from Costco.”

8. Before fro-yo became trendy, Costco held it down.

Before fro-yo became non-caloric and priced at like $8/oz, it was the underrated, undervalued frozen treat found nestled behind the Costco checkout region. And that’s when we first fell in love with it.

7. You’ve only managed to go through three bottles of ketchup... in your life.

It’s impressive, but not unreasonable considering your family only buys ketchup from Costco, and Costco only sells ketchup in 128 oz. bottles.

6. You're the kid who always carries gum around.

Growing up, gum was never really at a premium – all thanks to Costco. The pantry in your kitchen had more individually wrapped packs of gum than the front of a Walgreen’s checkout line.

5. There were times you went to Costco solely for the “food court.”

Although it isn’t fully a food court, the place behind the registers where you could buy hot food – croissants, hot dogs, soft pretzels – definitely compensated for the past three hours you wasted going aisle-by-aisle through an enormous f*cking WAREHOUSE.

4. BBQs would simply not be a possibility without Costco.

All of your outdoor furniture was purchased at Costco, the physical BBQ was purchased at Costco, the food put ON the BBQ was purchased at Costco.

3. You can tolerate frigid winters.

Once the O-zone layer fully gives way to global warming, and in turn, a second ice age – you’ll be ready. After years of shopping at Costco, and perusing the frozen aisle, your body has been aptly conditioned for sub-arctic temperatures.

2. Your parents thought they struck gold when they discovered that Costco sells contact lenses.

I’m not sure when Costco became a household name for optometry, but I guess when you make any item’s “per unit” cost cheap enough – parents will buy it.

1. Your parents still wound up bitching about how much money they ended up spending.

Yeah, mom and dad, clearly you spent over $100. Like, I had to sit on bulk-sized boxes of cereal in the backseat, just to ensure that all of the groceries fit in our truck – are you really that shocked by the receipt?

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It