The 7 Types Of People You Meet At A Coffee Shop

by Slater Katz

Whether your preference be an overpriced, soy, mocha latte from the coffee conglomerate advertised as “one on every corner,” or a $1.00 cup of joe from Sue and Jerry's corner store, every coffee shop houses the same seven dwarfs. My extensive quest to find the best coffee shop in Manhattan allows me to introduce you to the gang.

The Hipster

The hipster lurks in an isolated corner sipping black coffee, lidless, while buried behind a classic piece of literature that convinces you of his subtle intelligence. His attention is solely focused on the words of Oscar Wilde – immune to the stares of college girls ogling over the effortless wave of his chestnut brown hair against his pale, tan-less forehead. A skater boy in his youth, the hipster now studies philosophy or English at the most well known university in your town.

The Annoying Couple

While the annoying couple is not at matching, cheesy Christmas sweater status, they make the fact known that they have given their hearts to one another by making two chairs obsolete while laughing at a video on their iPad, which they conveniently forgot to mute.

Plugging in your headphones and burying your focus into your textbook cannot erase this couple from your peripheral view. At least appreciate that they've omitted PDA (if you're lucky).

The Sad Old Guy

The sad old guy (I will call him Frank) is just the cutest little old man that sits all by his lonesome at a tiny round table, slowly munching on a freshly baked croissant while catching up on the latest addition of The New York Times. Your heart goes out to Frank; whether it's because he is so gosh darn cute or because it breaks your heart that he is all alone, desperate to be in the presence of other human beings.

Is Frank divorced? Widowed? Did he put all of his energy into his career that he neglected building a relationship with his children who now want nothing to do with him? Regardless, give Frank a smile; it will make his day.

The Girl On Adderall

The girl on Adderall is better translated to “the girl on her sixth cup of coffee and seventh chapter in her large stack of med school text material.”She has been there since morning and will stay until close. Aware of her settlement, the girl on Adderall opts for a comfortable combination of jeans and some sort of plain, long-sleeved t-shirt with her hair tied into a loose ponytail to keep her naturally straight, brown hair from distracting her studies. She came alone and stays alone – comfortable and confident in embarking on a life committed to her career.

The Chatty Kathys

The chatty Kathys are simply the aged clique of high school cheerleaders who now live a suburban lifestyle as yoga-enthusiastic soccer moms. Since their lives are devoted to their families, with no career or professional direction, the chatty Kathys congregate at the coffee shop because frankly, “there is nothing better to do.”

Dressed straight out of a Lululemon catalog, these women pass the time between dropping and picking up Johnny and Jenny from school by yenta-ing about the new mom on the block.

The Guy Who Looks Like His World Just Ended

Not as heart wrenching as the sad old man, but glancing at the guy who looks like his world just ended is nothing but a depressing sight to see. He is in his forties, trying to make some sort of production on his outdated Mac.

He wears an ill-fitting suit and was possibly fired from his job at an investment bank he devoted 20 years of his life to. His hand is wedding ring-less, making your pity multiply by the thought that he is recently divorced AND lost his job.

The Hot Guy

The hot guy is the guy you constantly stare at in effort to evoke a brief glance so that he may notice your batting eyelashes. But he doesn't lift his sea green eyes from his computer screen for even a second. The only possible explanation for his complete ignorance of you (or the pretty girl you are secretly in competition with) has to be because he is in a serious relationship with his flawless, long-term girlfriend.

That has to be it. Obviously. Even with this obviously accurate life story you've concocted for him, you cannot seem to remit your gaze from his neatly styled, midnight black hair and his pale, pink lips grazing against the plastic lid of his large coffee.

An eclectic bunch, the gang beats Snow White's seven dwarves any day. So the next time you make a coffee run, take a look around and observe the stereotypical java scene.

Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr