Matcha. It's all the rage right now.
It's truly one of the healthiest, most amazing, stupendous things you can drink or eat. Its benefits are nearly endless. And it tastes like heaven.
All other green juices can suck it.
As I’ve said previously, matcha is super on fleek at the moment, but it actually dates back to ancient tradition in Japan. The whole reason the islanders of Okinawa live to be 1,048 years old is that they drink so much matcha.
Where the hell have we been? Not drinking matcha, that’s for sure.
Now, while some people in the media are currently likening matcha to Scientology (I’m looking at you NY Post!) those in the know are well aware matcha is just about the greatest thing… well, ever.
For those of us who are obsessed with the green monster, our days simply cannot begin without two scoops in a venti cup.
Who really needs a boyfriend when they can put matcha inside of them? Here are 37 signs you are in a legitimate, serious relationship with matcha:
1. Matcha is the first thing you put on your lips in the morning.
And the last thing before bed.
2. You’d rather go to the matcha bar than the actual bar.
Why try to score free vodka when you could score free matcha?
3. You’d rather spend your time whisking than flirting.
Give me that bamboo whisk, baby.
4. You only swipe right for new matcha recipes.
You can do so many things with matcha.
5. Your idea of a romantic date night is a matcha 101 class.
You have a bigger crush on your matcha teacher than on your actual boyfriend or girlfriend.
6. At parties, if anyone mentions matcha to you…
You will emphatically rant for the rest of the night. Such passion.
7. You’ve stalked matcha harder than any guy’s Facebook.
You know all the latest matcha happenings, not your ex’s life events.
8. All of your online dating profiles read “must love matcha.”
You’re not the typical “must love dogs” person.
9. Some people start their days with morning sex; you start yours with matcha.
A #MatchaMonday is the only way to start a day and improve a mood.
10. You don’t understand coffee drinkers.
You are strictly in it for the tea #teaisthenewcoffee.
11. You would marry someone for a lifetime supply of matcha.
I mean it’s cheaper than diamonds.
12. You may not be down to see a relationship expert, but you’re definitely interested in a matcha expert.
A matcha expert knows more about mental health, anyway.
13. The chances of you sleeping with someone greatly improve if he or she knows about matcha.
Matcha = sexy.
14. All of your dirtiest fantasies include matcha.
Mostly because every thought you ever have includes matcha.
15. Matcha will never tell you no.
A girl always loves hearing “Yes.”
16. All of your friends love it.
You mom is still skeptical, but she is coming around.
17. You have ended relationships over matcha.
If you’re not going to get behind matcha, I just don’t know WTF is wrong with you.
18. Some people believe in God; you believe in matcha.
You’ve definitely considered starting a religion. I mean, if it worked for Scientology, why not matcha?
19. Even if you’re not in the mood for it…
The mere mention of it will make you need it. All those buzz words are irresistible.
20. It’s the best thing in your life.
When everything else goes wrong, you can always rely on your matcha.
21. You would never cheat on your matcha.
You can’t cheat on something you’re in love with.
22. It’s the best, cheapest date.
It only needs water to be golden.
23. It gets your heart racing.
It gives you that kick you so desperately crave.
24. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
Nothing makes you feel as relaxed and at peace as matcha.
25. You are really protective of it.
No one is going to be disrespectful to matcha on your watch. Nobody puts matcha in the corner!
26. You actually want it in your mouth.
In and around your mouth and inside your body, please.
27. There is no healthier relationship you can have.
Matcha, gram for gram, has way more antioxidants than other green teas and five to 10 times the antioxidants of most fruits, including gojiberries and blueberries. Beat that.
28. Your matcha makes you feel a little bit fancy.
It’s so in style to be a matcha lover. It’s like the fancier green tea for those in the know.
29. Matcha could never bore you.
It comes in so many different varieties. Matcha lemonade? Matcha macarons? I can’t. I'm emotionally overloaded right now.
30. It brings out the best in you.
Matcha has truly made you a better person.
31. It doesn’t need a match-a to light your fire.
Puns on puns on puns.
32. It makes you happy.
Matcha can seriously improve your mood with all that L-theanine, which calms the mind and increases alertness.
33. Matcha won’t get jealous when you share it with others.
Even though it’s green.
34. You can have it in bed.
You’d take matcha over any other bedmate.
35. Because who doesn’t love a matcha man?
Because couples who keep it healthy together, stay together.
36. It’s one type of green your mom will actually agree with.
She doesn’t understand your GF, Mary Jane, but she can understand matcha.
37. It’s a good match-a for you.
More puns. Just couldn’t resist. Matcha-do about nothing.