The life of a sociable loner is a series of contradictions; we love people, provided they stay away from us.
We look forward to weekend plans, especially if those plans involve drinking wine on our couch while watching Netflix.
And we are totally into parties — just not at our house, okay?
That way, when we’re ready to be rid of people, we can leave without offending anyone.
Here are a few problems all social loners have to face in their day-to-day lives:
1. The ringing phone
Why is it ringing? You would love to chat with the cool girl you met in yoga class last week, but why is she calling? Does she not know how to text?
2. Cats vs. conversation
Sigh. We know we should go and mingle; it is a party after all, but they have the cutest cat and the two of you are getting along so well.
Besides, cats don’t ask stupid questions like, “Are you having fun?”
3. The eternal struggle that is trying to plan around TV shows
Thursday night: "Housewives," Friday night: "Amazing Race," Saturday night: "Orphan Black."
When are you supposed to find time to go out?
4. The intense pang of loneliness when you see pictures on Instagram of your crew hanging without you.
Wait? Why wasn’t I invited? OMG! Do they not like me? Are they mad at me? What did I do? This is horrible!
Why don’t they want me, oh, wait, I just realized… now I have time to work on all those projects on my Pinterest board, awesome!
5. The nightmare that is hanging out with your SO's friends.
Significant others are the best and you are totally there for them, but does that mean you have to hang with their friends? People you don’t even know? Like, what are you even supposed to say to them?
6. The terror-inducing process when you do decide to make new friends.
For the sociable loner, this is a nightmare. Oh! A friend request from your new co-worker? What to do next?
Write something clever on his or her wall? Tag him or her in that "things I hate about my boss" post?
Is it too soon to invite this person to your 90s theme party? Why is life so complicated?
7. Constantly having to think of socially acceptable answers to questions like, “Why aren’t you smiling?”
Because saying things like “because you’re talking to me” is frowned upon.
8. The unfortunate problem of people assuming you don’t want to be bothered on account of your resting bitch face.
Actually, this one may be true. Sometimes, it’s apprehension due to the situation and other times, we really don’t want to be bothered. Sorry!
9. The paradox of wanting recognition for your work but not wanting to be in the spotlight too long.
You spend your days fantasizing about what it would be like to finally be acknowledged for your work.
You imagine the speech you’ll give when you accept your Nobel Prize, where you’ll go when you win that trip for most sales in your department or what you’ll wear when you accept your Pulitzer. You can hardly wait!
You’ve worked hard and you deserve it! Of course, then you’ll have to put up with the haters, the fake friends wanting to bask in your limelight and the random Twitter followers.
Ugh! On second thought, maybe a job well done is its own reward…
10. Flirting, AKA, the 10th level of hell:
You’re eyeing the hottie at bar when and he or she catches you!
Thankfully, he or she seems into it; did you just see a wink? Yup, totally flirting back!
What the hell do you do now? Go over and talk? Wait for him or her to come over and talk to you? Do you even want to talk?
This person is cute and all but…