The Struggle When You Realize MDW Is Right F*cking Now
We made it through yet another harsh winter. We've retired our puffer jackets, and we've finally stopped complaining about the f*cking weather. Why?
Because Mother Nature finally decided to answer our prayers and give us some damn sun.
But as great as this may be, we failed to realize just how fast summer is quickly approaching.
And by quickly approaching, I mean Memorial Day Weekend is right f*cking now. Sh*t.
After months of hibernation, gym excuses and awful spending tendencies -- our bad habits have certainly caught up to us.
We haven't restocked our summer wardrobe since last year, since this is probably the first week we haven't had to double up on layers.
Thus the struggle begins, and so does our anxiety.
So what's the mindset of someone who just realized summer is actually (and finally) beginning...
1. I was supposed to start exercising four months ago.
Well, this is awkward: I pinned hundreds of exercise regimens I swore I'd try on Pinterest, printed out 30-day challenges and even decided I would eventually try and be a vegetarian.
And now Memorial Day Weekend is, well, this weekend, and I haven't done one sit-up. I guess there's always next year.
2. I waited too long to book a house, and now everything is sold out.
I purposely planned my summer this exact way, but I guess waiting until the week of isn't the best way to go about planning. And WTF?
How are houses a month in advance already sold out or ridiculously expensive? Were people seriously planning since the winter?
3. I'm f*cking broke.
I guess it's a good thing all of the houses and hotels are filled because it's not like I can afford them anyway.
4. I'm not mentally prepared to plan anything.
I can barely make it through my work day; now I'm expected to plan even more things outside of my rigorous schedule?
Who has time for this sh*t? Isn't the summer supposed to be enjoyable?
5. How is my liver going to keep up with my plans?
I could, you know, be a responsible adult and give up binge drinking, but isn't that what the summer is for? I guess I can worry about this problem when it arises and stock up on Emergen-C.
6. Ugh, let the traveling begin.
The issue with most major cities is there are no local beaches. In fact, the closest beach is probably hours away.
So where does that leave us? Well...
7. Thank God for summer Fridays, or I'd be fired.
Summer Fridays are a gift from the summer gods. If you aren't leaving work early on a Friday, you can guarantee you'll be sitting in traffic for multiple hours wishing you never even booked this travel weekend in the first place.
8. Is there any way to avoid wearing a bathing suit?
So is it blatantly obvious when you refuse to remove your coverup?
I mean, it's only Memorial Day Weekend... the weather isn't that great (thank God).
9. Is it too late to cancel my plans?
I haven't even embarked on my destination, and I'm already regretting my commitment.
The anxiety and stress that comes with summer planning is enough to convince anyone to just throw in the towel.
10. How can I figure out a way to get away with not paying for anything?
I'm all for treating people equally, but sometimes, you just can't help but try and scheme your way into free deals...
11. Should I ask my parents for money?
I know I told them the last time I'd ask for vacation money was when I was dying to go on spring break in college, but I can't be the only one without plans this weekend.
Right, because that sounds like something an adult would say... sh*t.
12. Is it a bad idea to suggest going north for the weekend instead of the beach?
I bet I can wrangle up at least three more people who are in the same boat as I'm in.
13. Should I just start drinking now?
Alcohol always seems to make my problems better, or at least it makes me temporarily forget about them, which is definitely something I could use right about now.
14. Do I risk trying a spray tan this close to showtime?
I know you're always supposed to do a trial before the big reveal, but I'm blindingly pale...
15. If I just stop eating solid foods right now, will it be the same as if I've been working out for weeks?
This is probably the most ineffective way to get "healthy." PSA: THIS DOESN'T WORK.
16. My f*cking period better not act up.
Is there anything worse than getting your period during a holiday weekend? No, seriously, I'll wait...
17. I don't know what there's more pressure on: the outfits or looking fit.
Can someone please tell us so we can just focus on that?!
18. It's not even going to be f*cking sunny outside.
We bitch, complain and moan, but then we check the weather forecast, and it's in the low 60s.
Why are we even wasting our energy freaking out when the one thing we want isn't even going to happen -- warmth.
19. This is what we've been training for, why am I complaining?
How many times during the winter did we wish it were summer?
Why the f*ck are we complaining when our wishes have finally been granted? We really are just never satisfied are we?