In Defense Of Pumpkin Spice: Why I'm Proud To Be A Basic Dude

It's October, and that means it's officially autumn. When I think autumn, I think about the beautiful foliage and the Halloween parties where I usually black out.

But, most importantly, I'm reminded it's pumpkin spice season.

Yesterday morning, I read a Washington Post article that claimed America's love of pumpkin spice is "embarrassing." That's like saying our love of football is embarrassing. It's a part of the American tradition; pumpkin spice is a delicious gift from the gods.

This article went as far as to say pumpkins are "mediocre." Blasphemy!

First off, I'm pretty sure pumpkin spice includes no actual pumpkin product. (If it does, great!) There's a reason we're drinking pumpkin spice and not, like, butternut squash spice.

When it comes to squashes and gourds, pumpkins are everything. It's absolutely disrespectful to treat pumpkins as anything less than.

How do you not love pumpkin-flavored everything?

Pumpkin Oreos? Yes. Pumpkin Pringles? Yes. Pumpkin pumpkins? Hell yes.

The more the merrier. For two months a year, I can break out of my rut of eating the same exact sh*t every day and get some new flavors in my life.

Autumn happens once a year, and I'll worry about the extra calories in the winter. Well, actually, winter hibernation is all about collecting calories to get through the cold. So, if anything, you're just getting a head start.

And when did white girls take pumpkin spice from everyone else? You don’t have to be Caucasian and wear leggings and Uggs to enjoy autumn.

I love pumpkin picking. Why does that make someone a basic bitch?

I like my coffee black, but for a few months every year, I get to indulge in a little pumpkin spice. Does that make me feminine?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: On a full night's rest and a hearty breakfast, I could — and would — beat a lion in a fight. But I’m being modest.

We’re in the heart of autumn. Let me enjoy pumpkins, and leave me alone. Let me live.

It doesn’t make me, or anyone, a basic bitch. It just means I enjoy eating foods while they’re in season.

If you don’t eat pumpkins in fall, I assume you’re also the same maniac crunching into apples in March, when they're completely out of season.

Sorry not sorry, I drink pinot gris in the summer and pumpkin spice in the fall. What even qualifies someone as basic?

I look amazing in puffy vests. Ugg slippers are comfortable, and I wear them as often as I can. I drink pumpkin spice as frequently as I can before it goes back into storage for the year.

It's harvest season, and I'm taking advantage.

Respect new American traditions, and enjoy pumpkin spice.

If pumpkins aren't your thing, cool. You have 10 months this year to live your empty, meaningless, pumpkin-free lives. But from October 1 to Thanksgiving, leave me alone with your pumpkin spice hate. Enjoy being miserable.