Why You Can't Begin To Know Your Parents Until You Know Yourself
Growing up, I was never friendly with my parents, even though they were super cool, liberal professors who allowed me to do whatever I wanted.
I grew up in a freethinking university campus in the heart of New Delhi, India, on a delectable hill dotted with trees.
The campus included libraries, debating societies, theater and art.
I grew up with friends, colleagues and family who were like me.
I became the lion of my cubbyhole. The freedom, love and support I got were so omnipresent, I had no idea what life was like without them.
With no real battles to fight, I was keen to fight my parents. I always believed I was right, and was forever suspicious of their safe ways.
But my dad, a social scientist in the best university in India, grew up in a part of the country infested by rioting, corruption and poverty. His childhood was spent in a tiny room, overstuffed with brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles.
They were all being supported by his father.
My mom grew up in a tiny, insignificant village in the Himalayas, where girls are married off at the age of 16 and go to school just to pass the time. She is now a professor of Japanese language and literature, as well as a writer and translator.
I was intelligent and hard-working. That made me want to chase my dreams in art, literature and writing in America. I had also recently married a guy I loved who lived in the US.
I was so excited to enter this new phase of life that I didn’t know I would continue to look back for a long time.
Just to get started, there were many "firsts" to encounter.
I had never traveled independently, lived alone, cooked for myself on a daily basis, did laundry, figured out my finances, figured out medical insurances, thought about loans or been married.
Here I was, in an alien land, about to learn the ropes of life in a completely different culture.
I had a crash course in becoming an adult in the first few months after I moved to Syracuse to pursue a professional digital journalism program.
I had to find an apartment to live in, but I didn’t know what to look for. I was impatient, so I ended up going for a bad, expensive option.
The roof leaked, sanitation was substandard, my bedroom window opened to a dumpster and before I knew it, I had a bedbug infestation. I had to find a lawyer to break my lease and get me out of that living hell.
The thing is, I was terrified of what would happen if I couldn’t fix it.
I was living away from my husband, so I would take a five-hour Greyhound bus ride to Brooklyn every Friday to meet him and manage things at home. Between a hectic graduate school schedule, travel and home duties, I had no time for him.
The worst Syracuse winter -- coupled with unsafe city grounds where poverty and homelessness are serious concerns -- made staying outdoors after dark dangerous. I would think back to the days when I would shut my parents up every time they offered advice on night outs.
During this strenuous time, it was my parents' phone calls that gave me the strength to continue on.
I was so overwhelmed with my own problems, I couldn't offer any help to my husband.
It was then that I realized my parents had always been there for me, battling through their lives, fears and doubts, without ever letting me notice their tired eyes.
I was entering a new phase of my life.
It started with a phone call to my mom, asking her how she was. Understanding her existence, her hopes and her fears gave me a fresh perspective.
My dad and I started writing long emails to each other, and often connected on Skype in a way we had never connected in person. I began to understand the struggles of a man in his 50s.
I finally got to find out his dreams and anxieties.
It was in these moments that I pushed myself to actually listen.
It's not important to figure everything out and speed through your days. It’s important to stand still and assimilate who you are and where you are headed.
Conversations with my parents opened that door.
After one year of staying away, I went to India for a short visit.
I felt eternally grateful for the twinkles in mom and dad’s patient eyes as they sat there, listening to the stories of my life in a new country.
Then, I quickly shut up and made them talk.
This time, I listened.