I'm Gay, Not Your Accessory: 15 Times Straight Girls Had Me F*cked Up

by Chris Riotta

Ladies, listen up:

It’s come to my attention some of you think having a gay friend is like owning a piece of jewelry.

Honestly, having a gay friend is no different than having any other kind of friend.

Sure, maybe we won’t hit on you after a few drinks (although we will certainly compliment the sh*t out of you), but that’s not what I mean.

You see, I’m really starting to think some of you straight girls think gay guys are at your disposal, like we’re all just lined up, waiting to be your gay BFFL so we can help you pick out your outfit every single night.

There have been too many occasions when I meet straight women for the first time and, all of a sudden, it’s like they think they own me.

Please heed this warning: When I come up to you at a party to compliment your shoes, do not whip out your invisible chain and choke my neck with it.

I just met you, we are not friends, and I did not have any intention of choosing whom I would spend my next "Sex And The City" binge-day with at this event.

Just because you and I get along, and I am a man who is into other men, does not mean you have a leg up on me. In fact, I could probably walk in heels better than you anyway.

I have plenty of straight, gay, black, white and blue friends, but for some reason, the only people I ever run into this possessive sort of relationship with are straight women.

So, for those of you who have a gay best friend, or are hoping to fulfill your lifelong fantasy of making one, you may want to keep these things in mind.

1. We are not best friends

We met 11 minutes ago. And I’m still deciding whether that top with those shoes is fashion-forward or just plain fugly.

2. I’m not your personal shopper

There is nothing I can’t stand more than when a girl invites me to go shopping for the day and doesn’t spend a single minute checking out clothes for me, too.

It’s like, did you really think we would walk around Saks Fifth Avenue all day and I wouldn't try this on?

3. I’m also not your babysitter

That means I’m not responsible for how much you drink, whom you text after five Long Island iced teas, and how much your Uber costs on your way back because you were too drunk to walk in heels.

Lace up your Louie V’s and keep it moving, otherwise we’re better off not knowing each other.

4. I have no idea how to do your makeup

And I’d honestly rather be doing anything other than watching you stare at your face for two hours.

5. Don’t ask me if I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend

Do I ask you to pretend to be my girlfriend when a 5 comes up to me and starts flirting? No. I handle my sh*t and shut him down with a nasty tone and bad attitude. As should you.

6. And it’s not my fault if I hook up with someone while we’re out

You were the one who was dying to see what a real, live gay club was like, and now here we are. Are you seriously going to judge me for straying from your side for 10 minutes? Go somewhere with yourself.

7. Don’t ask me if I think your boyfriend is hot

...Or your love interest. Or your hookup. Or your brother. I really don’t feel like entertaining this anymore; I don’t find any of your straight friends even remotely attractive.

8. I have no idea what every straight guy wants as a gift

On that note, do you really think I have any idea what your dad wants for Christmas just because I have a dick? If it were my wish list you were reading, all you’d find is a box-set of Beyoncé’s greatest hits.

9. I won’t teach you how to twerk

The fact that you haven’t already studied the art via YouTube tutorials already tells me this isn’t going to work out. I mean, how could I ever trust you as a person?

10. I have boundaries too, bitch

Like any other human being, I find it weird when you whip your tits out to show me a weird zit that won’t go away. Put those away, you just made everything really awkward way too soon in this friendship.

11. Don’t invite me over because you’re upset about a boy

This isn’t a bad Katherine Heigl rom-com, and I have no interest in hearing about how your Tinder date turned out to be a f*ck boy.

12. Don’t introduce me as “My Gay Friend, ________”

“Hey, everyone, this is my straight friend, Kaitlyn.” Do you hear how weird that sounds?

13. I don’t feel like dancing every f*cking night

Honestly, most of the time I’m cool with getting drunk in a dive bar instead. Don’t you have any other friends?

14. Our relationship isn’t just for your amusement

“You guys are the cutest couple I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. You’re both so perfect and cute!” It’s almost belittling how much you adore bae and me.

15. I refuse to third-wheel with your straight friends

Just because you don't have someone to bring on the double date doesn't mean I'm available.