Your Halloween On Instagram Vs In Real Life: The Difference Is Spooky
Halloween is an extremely fun holiday, but it's not without room for error.
Between smudgy makeup, tricky costumes and haunted houses, the Halloween night we glorify on social media rarely resembles what actually happens on All Hallows' Eve.
Our pictures are usually uploaded in the beginning of the night because what happens later on can't be fixed with the Valencia filter. That is the true magic of Halloween happening.
The difference between your Halloween on Instagram and your Halloween in real life is downright spooky. Here it is live.
Your pumpkin carving sesh
After ferociously stalking Pinterest boards of the pumpkin carving artistry, you had aspirations to be the next great Michelangelo.
Etching fine witch hair into a 7-pound pumpkin? It can't be that hard, you think to yourself while perusing CVS for "professional" craft tools.
Your DIY costume
It's usually either a hit or a miss. Even X-Pro II can't mask how bad a botched homemade Halloween costume is. Perhaps go for something more basic, like a girl in Uggs.
You've been perusing chef's boards for weeks menu-planning a Halloween-themed meal for all your friends -- spooky brownies, bloody meat, the whole shebang. (Yeah, I used the word shebang.) But after too many swampy-eyed punch shots, you've abandoned the idea.
Too labor intensive. Plus, you've been eating pizza on Halloween since you were a little kid who used to go trick-or-treating after school with all your friends while your moms hung out in the background making sure you didn't get kidnapped. Food memories can be weird.
Your attempt at Halloween decorations
We can't all be the most creative house on the block. Plus, pausing for some real talk here, really cool, well-done Halloween decorations are super expensive.
Who wants to spend $100 on the ugliest interior design ever that can literally never be used on any other occasion?
It's easier than taking candy from a baby. Except, of course, when the person who is home refuses to answer the door.
Spending an entire night in your costume
You think dressing up as a slutty fairy or shirtless fireman is the best idea ever until no one wants to hook up with your scary painted face and you're sweating underneath all that polyester crappy fabric.
Whatever you do, stay away from wearing wings; they are a real socializing barrier.
Your candy loot
You dream of bags full of free treats, and end up receiving donations to someone other than yourself.
You're plagued with the morality question, "Do I keep all this UNICEF money to myself?" It's only pennies, right? Like, how much could it really help?
You either try or you don't. Good luck getting all that off, by the way. Even if you don't smear it the first sign of perspiration, you're guaranteed face paint some place it shouldn't be.
Your his-hers couples costumes
Dorothy had Toto. The Griffins have Brian. You have Patches.
The night after
In order to lie on the couching eating all your candy, you're going to need to get home first.
Your haunted house experience
You think you're going to remember that it's all make-believe as you're sh*tting your pants not even halfway through the door.
Fake slaughterhouses can't scare you, but really, you're gripping your girlfriend from behind and forcing her to go in front you. Nice, now we know where your priorities really lie.
You know where your strengths lie, and they aren't in baking. It's not a Happy Halloween unless pumpkin booze is involved.