Excuse My Language: 8 Times You Should Always Embrace Your F*cking Sailor's Mouth
It might not be classy and it might often be unnecessary, but there are certainly times in life when we all need to just let out some sweltering, indignant steam and tell the world to go f*ck itself.
While cussing your grandma out for shrinking your favorite shirt might take this ideal a little too far (um, sorry Grandma), you most certainly are entitled to a few sh*ts and f*cks here and there.
You’re only human, and we all know humans need to let out that stress to avoid a Britney '07 and definitely a Mel Gibson '00 moment.
While I don't condone a fully cringe-worthy vocabulary that makes the people around you think you're seriously disturbed, these occasions definitely give you the right to a cursing free-for-all.
1. When Your Roommate Eats Your Sh*t.
If I climbed the mental Mount Everest and saved half of my Chipotle despite my body, mind and spirit begging for me to shove every orgasmic bite into my mouth, then you better not touch that sh*t.
There are few things worse than walking to your refrigerator, reaching for your beautiful, little, white box filled with the remnants of yesterday's feast and there's nothing there. Where did it go? If this happens to you, feel free to erupt in whatever dirty-mouthed mantra you so please.
That’s f*cked up.
2. When You Gain Weight.
I don’t care if I’m in my gym, the Publix down the street or in your guest bathroom, those five pounds earned me the loudest “WHAT THE F*CK?” I can release from my lungs.
Granted, five pounds isn't that much, but if it's 15 or 20, you don't want to be within a hundred feet of what's coming. Sound dramatic? Just wait.
3. When They Don’t Offer Cash Back.
Yeah, I realize the gas station attendant probably has to deal with enough shenanigans as it is, and the poor CVS employee really can’t help that he or she is running dry on cash thanks to stumbling college students just trying to lock down the bar’s cover charge, but honestly, it’s time to get drunk.
I don't carry cash, they're charging a cover and you have plentiful amounts of green at your fingertips. You’re not doing cash back? That’s horsesh*t.
4. When Your Ex Is Pissing You Off.
Some people take the whole “playing it off” route, but I say f*ck it. If your ex is aggressively disturbing you with his or her rebound or whomever they may be at the bar, you absolutely deserve full-on blasphemy in that motherf*cker.
If he or she is relentlessly blowing up your phone despite your unwavering rejection, don't feel guilty for slaying them with your words. If they show up at your doorstep or get with your best friend, just let the censor go.
5. When You Drop Your iPhone.
It’s probably cracked, but it might not be. What if it is? You can’t afford to fix that sh*t. You also can’t stand trying to Instagram with a butchered crack across your baby’s screen.
Maybe it happened to fall on the sides. I didn't see. I guess I should pick it up. Don’t look, just let it out. Then look, and let it out one more time.
6. When Something Tastes Really, Really Good.
There is nothing that makes me feel like I made the wrong choice of cuisine quite like someone across from the table taking a first bite and letting out some severe profanity. “Holy shhhhh*t. That’s good.”
7. On The Road.
This one is a given. I'm the sh*ttiest driver in America, and fully realize that I (unintentionally) cause the road rage of countless drivers on the road every day, but I am still appalled by some of the moves other drivers make.
In this instance, however, no one can hear you. So this is the time to f*cking let it loose!
8. When Your Card Gets Declined.
Because that’s always embarrassing as f*ck.
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