19 Reasons Why It Was Absolutely The Devil Who Invented Carbs

by Lauren Martin

“I’d trade my soul to the devil for all the carbs in the world."

Because I’m not religious, I’m allowed to say things like that. If I were religious, however, I’d believe that the devil lies in the form of carbohydrates and I would, indeed, sell my soul for all the bread in the world.

Because something so good, yet so bad for you must come from the depths of hell. Something that delicious must be sinful.

The things women and men alike would do for carbs. I wouldn’t put many of them far below murder. We’ve all seen how crazy we get when we haven’t had carbs in a few days. But why do they have to be so bad? Why do they have to come with a price?

Like making a deal with the devil, you sign away parts of yourself when you put that warm, doughy piece of bread into your watering mouth. You give away certain rights to attain that warm glow of delight that comes with ingestion.

That perfect beach body, those abs you’ve been working for, the tight ass you dream of -- all are part of the fee. In the depths of the fiery pits of hell lie all the carbs you could ever dream of.

In the backs of ovens, dwelling at the bottom of simmering pots and basking in the fires of the wilderness lie our demise. The food that gives us life but also so much misery. The tormenting, addictive and sinful temptation of the carbohydrate.

We trade our bodies, our word and our will for a cookie. We stare at cakes and pastries like evil demons and alluring temptresses. We give in to our desires and our fantasies, making pacts and promises we can't always keep.

We're making deals with the devil, because if bread is this delicious, he's got to be the one cooking it.

1. They’re best when served hot

When it comes to pizza, bread and anything with flour, we like it to be heated. It’s best when straight out of the oven.

2. It’s from the depths of the food pyramid

It’s like the bottom of the shelves of Walmart. All the cheap, fattening and bulky items.

3. It can turn any innocent girl naughty

Even the strongest of women can turn weak when faced with a basket of rolls.

4. When you try to leave it, it just comes back with a vengeance

There’s no escaping it. Once you’ve tasted the grain, you can’t go back. You don’t sign away half your life, it’s the whole thing.

5. The second you put a carb in your mouth, it looks like you've gained 5 pounds

It works in mysterious ways. Like poison, it expands in our bodies, flowing readily to our ass and thighs.

6. One will never be enough

One piece of pizza, one slice of bread, one piece of chocolate. There’s no such thing.

7. You have to burn them to lose weight

The only way to get rid of the evidence and purge yourself is to burn them off.

8. They are free at the restaurant

Nothing is ever truly free... Everything has a price.

9. We would kill for them

Faced with starvation, we would kill for something as simple as simple carbohydrates.

10. You can fry them

There's nothing like the simmering of pancake batter to make you question all your morals.

11. A girl who can eat them and not gain weight is considered hot

The results of resistance are hard to deny.

12. They’re the cheapest

A good price is always more tempting than a skinny waist.

13. Because they’re like a drug (as addictive as cocaine)

If I could snort bread, I would.

14. Evil takes the form of fruits (they seem healthy)

Like Adam and Eve, it seems so innocent, yet it's really so dangerous.

15. You'd trade your best friends for some mashed potatoes

There will be moments when you go against everyone you know to bask in some sinfully loaded potatoes.

16. You do terrible things to them when you’re alone

The things you do in the privacy of your own bed and kitchen are for you and the devil to discuss later.

17. You can melt things on them

Is there anything more sinful than melted cheese upon warm bread?

18. They're related to every sin

You need carbs before and after sex... Even if it's premarital.

19. Because drunk you cannot resist them in any way

There's nothing that craves the sinful complex more than someone who has just ingested liters of toxins into her body. Just goes to show, drinking really does lead to sin.