What It's Like To Date A Girl Who Is Chronically Hungry
This is a tribute to all my girls out there battling insatiable hunger 24 hours a day and embracing it with all that hungry-girl glory.
To my pizza fanatics, taco munchers and appetizer enthusiasts: This one is for you:
No matter what you two are fighting about, asking, "Do you want to get food?" will most likely lead to resolution.
You have hit a weak spot: free food and you want to talk about her feelings. You win; she'll have your babies.
You don't ever have to worry about her cheating on you.
But, you might have to worry about her stealing your food. "Damn, I should have gotten a side of that pasta, too. Can I have a bite of yours? Okay, just one more little bite."
You often uses phrases like, "I know how expensive it is to feed you." (No? Just my significant other?)
Taco Bell will get her through more hard times than you will.
Nothing else is open at 3 am — when the true hunger creeps in. And, nothing's better than a seven-layer burrito when it comes to comforting a girl after fighting with you.
Her go-to ritual when looking for comfort is as follows: drives thru, eats in parking lot, listens to "I deserve better" songs, feels like she can conquer the world, regrets that $5 meal box, thinks about how much weight she probably just gained from all that cheese, goes back home to make up with you to feel better about herself.
Repeat next week. It's like clockwork, people.
She might be having a "light brunch," but...
That won't stop her from having the eggs, waffles, bacon and three mimosas. "Extra bacon, please. I mean, I ordered my eggs poached; that's "light," right?"
She probably definitely has a larger backside.
It's built from her excessive carbohydrate intake. In other words, she's got buns, hun. You're welcome.
Dinner is an event, not just another meal.
She's probably thought about what she's going to cook for dinner all day, and by the time it rolls around, she's so hungry she has five sides planned.
Not to mention, she's armed with her grandmother's cookbook. This appetite didn't just appear out of thin air.
From birth, she's been engrained with the idea everything is better with an entire stick of butter, and a roast cannot stand alone without the corn, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits and dessert to follow.
When planning a vacation, you can bet she's already scoped out the best restaurants in town.
You hear, "I've heard they have this amazing French creperie somewhere around here." She means, "I've been looking forward to inhaling a crepe since we got off the plane, and it's exactly .65 miles down the road."
Drinking only increases her hunger.
After a night out, you may look at her and wonder how a human could possibly consume that many chalupas in three minutes.
When she says, "I don't care where we eat," she really doesn't.
She's considering how your ear might taste at that moment.
Pizza is always the answer.
If she has a great day at work, wants to celebrate her big promotion or ironically fit into her skinny jeans earlier that morning, nothing could make her happier than you having a hot, cheesy pizza waiting for her when she comes home.
Remember: Even Chad Michael Murray told Hillary Duff he likes a girl who would choose a Big Mac over a salad in "A Cinderella Story." So Chad, if you're single, my boyfriend is tired of paying for my food.