The changing of the seasons comes with a mélange of other changes, too. Leaves, for instance, will begin to grow in the spring and die in the winter, as the autumnal and vernal equinoxes come and go.
Days become longer and shorter, depending on the Earth’s distance from the Sun at a given time. Coffee changes from iced to hot, baseball transitions into football – and, ultimately, you and I will change, too.
While some of us improve for the better, others don’t. At least not as visibly. To keep it a buck with you, there’s a sh*t-ton of guys who will ride the gravy-train to Basic World, once summer becomes fall, just because.
It’s one of those unsolved mysteries, like how salmon instinctively swim upstream to lay their eggs during mating season.
It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just sort of, well, basic. If you think you too stray towards the radius of basic during the fall, but aren’t absolutely sure, I’ve provided just a few signs of caution off the top of my head.
If you can relate to any of these, you’re probably anal about your Sunday night Showtime routine for the next few weeks, as well.
And you also probably laughed to yourself when I used the word "anal." Ugh, I only hope it’s not too late for you.
8. They drink loads of hot coffee with cinnamon.
Want to spot a couple basic bros? Peer on over to the “milk and sugar” station of Starbucks, Gregory’s, Dunkin' Donuts -- or any other mainstream corporation-based coffee establishment -- and scan the premises for any dudes shimmying the stainless steel shaker labeled “cinnamon” into their coffees.
Does cinnamon taste good in coffee? Eh. It’s all right, I suppose. To be honest, you really can’t taste it. BUT, does it scream AUTUMN SPICES? Yes, bountifully; so you’ll notice quickly why basic bros always opt for a little dash of cinnamon on top of their hot beverage.
7. They wear driving gloves despite mild weather.
Once you flip the calendar to September (or October), you can rest assured that the most basic of bros will be rummaging through their paraphernalia in search of their leather driving gloves -- even though the climate is, in actuality, quite temperate during these months.
Even so, unless you’re revving up on the inside track of the Daytona International Speedway -- or you’re a professional chauffeur -- a pair of said “driving (or racing) gloves” just seems like overkill. Your hands aren’t going to chap from touching the nylon plastic steering wheel, I promise. Especially not following a four-minute drive to the deli two weeks before Columbus Day.
6. They rock beanies with their hair gelled out of the front.
Beanies are an essential part of any basic bro’s “fall collection," presumably because they’re woolen (and mundane -- to an extent) and worn by the majority of B-list actors on the front covers of tabloids.
The only difference is, Lenny Kravitz is wearing that beanie so paparazzi WON’T be able to snap a clear shot of his face.
Now, basic bros on the other hand, will spike their hair in conjunction WITH the beanie, and then post selfies to their Snapchat story, captioned something along the lines of... “Artsy or nah?”
5. They overindulge in vests.
Basic bros will overdo vests with the same regularity that “aspiring DJs” will release remixes of "Latch." To the basic bro, the Patagonia vest is a safe haven.
It really doesn’t matter what they wear underneath it, whether it's the same boring plaid shirt or a different black v-neck. The Patagonia vest on its own provides as much self-assurance as a life vest nestled under the seat of an airplane.
The fact is, vests aren’t designed to be worn for weeks straight. That’s what jackets are for.
Vests should add a little splash of livelihood to an otherwise monotonous wardrobe, or it should be reserved for days where it’s kind of chilly in the morning. But by 3 pm, you know you’re going to sweat straight through your chambray shirt on the walk to lunch.
4. They Instagram foliage.
Basic bros love to take poorly-angled pics of the trees (in their new fall coloring), apply the “Toaster” filter (which basically defeats the purpose) and post them on their Instagrams (along with all applicable leaf-related emoji).
Although these shots are basic (and not even remotely Kodak-moment worthy), they’ll still rack up between 75-100 likes -- undeterred by the fact that the last thing we need in this world, outside of MAYBE another halftime show headlined by Pitbull, is more pictures of leaves changing on Instagram.
I mean, it’s not an extraordinary occurrence specific only to the purview of a basic bro's iPhone -- they’re f*cking leaves. They change color around this time every year.
3. They attend tailgates at their alma maters in the Big 10.
Big game (and tailgate, obvi) back at the Ann Arbor stomping grounds?
Best believe that basic bros will be leaving their finance jobs extra early on Friday afternoons in the fall to make their “hajj” back to the ol’ barn for a weekend full of plastic vodka handles and freshman girls, so fresh I’d suggest double-checking the legal age of consent in Michigan.
Even the random sets of 50-year-old parents -- the ones who get piss-drunk visiting their children -- appear less out of place than the alumni that are, like, two- or three-years removed.
In fact, the only thing more enjoyable than watching men in their mid-to-late 20s get trashed while wearing ridiculously tacky outfits (purchased entirely from their school store), is watching them try to cover up their tracks via privacy settings on Facebook the following Monday in the office. Wouldn't want Carol from HR to see those, huh?
2. They clutter their living quarters with scented candles.
Ever since G-Pens became relevant over the past year or so, a lot of bros now find themselves paying top dollar for “wax."
Basic bros, on the other hand, will spend around $30 for a giant jar of wax you CAN’T smoke, but DOES smell sort of like salted caramel instead. Just so they can capture the aromas of the season.
1. They start breaking out non-denim colored jeans.
While the “red plague” may have actually been coined during the 1940s, referring to the rapid spread of communism, I use the “red plague” to describe a different phenomenon: specifically, the rapid spread of red jeans, cuffed well above the ankles, in the fall. And it's all thanks to basic bros.
Obviously, our basic friends will not confine their alternatively-colored jeans to SOLELY red. Bah, of course not.
Truth be told, the jeans of basic bros in the autumnal months will likely mirror that of the surrounding foliage: As the leaves begin to turn burnt orange and golden-yellow, so will their jeans.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It