You're A Legend: 70 Lies My Drunk Self Told Me

by Candice Jalili

I, being the classy, mentally stable, young lady I am, like to separate my real self and my drunk self.

My real self is an honest and all-around wonderful human being who, sometimes, gets held hostage by the psychopathic manipulative liar that is my drunk self.

Here are a few of the lies the assh*le told me.

1. You are playing it SO cool.

2. Keep dancing on that table -- great idea!

3. No one notices your bare nipple coming out of that tube top.

4. That’s definitely a toilet.

5. You’re way too sober; drink more. OMG, you’re such a tank.

6. Leave the tab open; you’re so rich.

7. Live life on the edge! Try that sketchy Norwegian drug your friend’s coworker’s boyfriend just offered you.

8. The band is totally calling you over.

9. He was The One. He was The One and you f*cked it all up. You need to fix this NOW.

10. Call him. No answer? Leave a voicemail then call again 17 times. He NEEDS TO KNOW HE WAS THE ONE AND YOU F*CKED UP.

11. Text him. No response? Send a meaningless string of words and emojis until you find something or someone else with whom to distract yourself.

12. That text doesn't look drunk enough. Play it cool and add a few miscellaneous letters.

13. Snapchat him, and keep Snapchatting him until you make your way to his top friends. You look so hot he won't even notice how creepy this is.

14. Just show up at his front doorstep at the end of the night. He'll love it.

15. Wait, OMG... forget everything. This new guy across the bar is The One.

16. He's so hot. You should go home with him.

17. You're on the toilet in-between pukes, but, like, you still look so hot in that Snap.

18. Make that your story.

19. Dance on the bar!!

20. The bouncer loves you. He’ll totally let your underage friend in.

21. OMG, that bouncer is so rude. How dare he ask you to get off the bar??

22. Your breath is fine.

23. This conversation is so meaningful.

24. That girl just rolled her eyes at your friend. She is SUCH a bitch! Call her out!

25. OMG, play it cool, it's that guy who stood up your bestie two years ago. No, don't play it cool. Throw a drink on him. She'll be so happy.

26. When you get home you should confront your roommate about those passive-aggressive comments she's been making lately.

27. Stop holding back; be 100 percent honest.

28. Let the tears flow.

29. You don't look insane.

30. You're so good at karaoke.

31. Just puke real quick and you'll be fine.

32. No one can tell you just puked.

33. You're being so quiet, nobody can hear you.

34. This random guy wants to hear this extremely private, excruciatingly detailed story about your best friend's sex life.

35. You're so f*cking hilarious.

36. Your dance moves are on point.

37. Your makeup is flawless. Especially your eyeliner.

38. Everyone is looking at you in the best way possible.

39. Your eyes are so flirty sexy right now.

40. Just leave without saying bye to anyone; no one will notice.


42. No one can smell your puke breath.

43. Get behind that DJ booth!

44. This is so worth the hangover.

45. Don’t be afraid to tell him how hot he is to his face, right now, in front of everyone.

46. Ke$ha is the greatest artist who ever lived.

47. That's definitely just an ingrown hair on his upper lip.

48. There is no puke in your hair or on your clothing and all over your entire body and the bathroom.

49. This Taco Bell will NOT give you explosive diarrhea tomorrow morning.

50. A few hits from the bong won't black you out.

51. You look so cool taking this hit right now.

52. You just blew a smoke ring!

53. Your ex is here. He’s so obsessed with you. You should lock yourself in the bathroom and cry about it.

54. Hooking up with him this time will be so different.

55. Shake on that bet -- you're so right.

56. Make out with your neighbor; it won't be awkward at all tomorrow!

57. No one can see you guys making out right now.

58. Let's have a heart-to-heart with that random girl who was your group partner freshman year of college -- she gets you.

59. She is your new best friend and you're totally gonna hang out tomorrow.

60. There is NO WAY that weird couple 4 feet away from you will notice you taking pictures of them grinding to send to all of your group chats.

61. Introduce yourself to everyone; this is networking.

62. The bartender is SO into you.

63. This is so awkward. Everybody is so into you.

64. Nobody saw you fall.

65. Let's get the Uber driver's advice on your love life.

66. ...That's not fair. What's going on in his love life?! You should ask him.

67. You have two PJ options: your exact outfit at this very moment or butt naked.

68. Soul Cycle at 6 am tomorrow, for sure.

69. Email your boss and tell her you can’t make it to work tomorrow. She’ll understand.

70. You are an absolute legend.