25, eh? This is the year known to some as the first year of real adulthood, the demise of your early 20s; or perhaps the beginning of your quarter-life crisis is upon you. It’s the age when your parents’ threats of cutting you off become a sad reality, your friends start getting married (at least some of the girls) and less and less of your friends remember that time in 9th grade when you sh*t your pants on the bus (that one is kind of personal but you get my point).
With great power, comes great responsibility, and while that maxim has nothing to do with this list, I like it so I used it.
Maybe more appropriate is something like, “When you are no longer on your father’s health insurance policy, it is time to get your sh*t together.” There, that sounds like something straight out of Poor Richard’s Almanac. And while turning 25 might not mean a career, serious significant other or even maintaining a respectable level of hygiene, it does mean you have to start acting more like someone who has/does those things.
Start slow with this simple list of five phrases you need to leave in the rearview. You’ll at least sound more mature, even if you still don’t know how to fold a shirt.
1. “Who’s got my Molly?”
Self-explanatory. You’re 25 now, and the days of festivals in the summer between semesters at college are over. You do not need to be doing MDMA anymore. The worst guy in the world is the 30-year-old dude whose brain has been soaked in molly. At least the old acidhead has some good stories. Plus, if you’re asking this question, it means you’re about to buy drugs from a stranger (this is also self-explanatory).
Substitutes: “Who has directions to the First Aid tent?” “Does anyone know a good optometrist in Charlotte?”
2. “Where’s the pregame at?”
First off, you’re 25 and you should know sentences are not grammatically correct to end in prepositions. Secondly, pregames ended in college. You’re an adult, or kind of, and adults don’t pregame. Can you imagine your mom saying, “We’re gonna pregame at your uncle’s before going to dinner.” That’s what I thought. Adults meet for drinks before a party.
Substitutes: “What cocktail lounge are we rendezvousing at before the gallery opening?” “Is Antonio having people over before the gala at Lincoln Center tonight?”
It’s an anagram for “You Only Live Once.” DEEP. But seriously, if you are using this phrase as an excuse to keep bullshitting your way through life, joke’s on you. If anything, this phrase should result in you cleaning up your act, not more drinking and driving. Also, I’m sick of Drake telling me how to live my life. Wait, I also shouldn’t make any new friends? Damn. You be stunting my growth and sh*t, Drizzy.
Substitutes: SCUBA (Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus), DARE (Drug Awareness Resistance Education)
4. Using any Internet slang in the real world
SMH, TTYL, LOL. Every time I hear someone use LMAO or something similar in a conversation, I want to punch that person in the mouth (PTPITM). Who really thinks this constitutes a witty remark? Using Internet and texting vernacular ceased to be an exciting thing about ten years ago. I’m pretty sure my grandma could tell you what OMG stands for - the ultimate sign that it’s time to speak all your words when you talk to someone in real life.
Substitutes: “Margaret, your thoughts on the crisis in Syria really left me shaking my head in disgust.” “I’m off to spin class, I’ll talk to you later.” “When Thomas Mulgrew sh*t his pants on the bus in 9th grade, I truly laughed out loud at the result.”
5. Any reference to people “hating” on you
Justin Bieber has haters. Lebron James has haters. You and I? Ehhh, not so much. You have to have a certain level of celebrity and/or infamy to be considered someone with which haters concern themselves. If the “haters” on your Instagram page are people you went to Sunday school with, chances are, you ain’t that special. When the older woman upstairs asks you to turn down your music, she’s not “hating” on you or trying to “kill your vibe,” she’s trying to get some sleep.
Substitutes: “Every time Eric makes fun of my outfit, I tell him that he’s just jealous he doesn’t work at Abercrombie & Fitch.” “The bouncer must have been in a bad mood last night, why else wouldn’t he let me and my three other guy friends into the packed club?”
Bonus. “Who let the dogs out!?” Just kidding, you can still say this.
Got that covered? Great, now it’s time to work on that resume.
Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr