May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor: 34 Signs You're A Degenerate Gambler

by Dan Scotti

One of the hardest things to do in life is to admit you have a problem.

If you wake up on the floor of a fraternity house, nestled beside the keg with a suit of armor composed entirely of plastic red cups... you might be dealing with an alcohol problem.

If you wake up in bed, after sleeping through your work-alarm, with empty pints of Ben and Jerry's and your laptop open to Hulu next to you... the likelihood is high that you're coping with a marijuana issue.

If you're ecstatic about breaking even after a week of betting, – without even winning any money, you're just happy not to have lost this week – you're probably a degenerate gambler.

It's cool, this is a judgment-free zone.

So, what constitutes a degenerate gambler? Well, if you weren't  super-wowed by your buddy betting on the underdog last Super Bowl, – because all your money was wagered on the coin toss – it's a safe bet to say that you fall into this category.

If you still can't tell for sure, I've carefully supplied the 34 signs you're well on your way to becoming a degenerate gambler.

34. You started betting because you love sports and money.

So I can watch sports and make money at the same time?

33. ...Now you hate sports and have no money.

32. You've kicked specific friends out of the room you're watching a game in because they're the "jinxes."

Dude, since you've been in here, the Suns have been on a 17-2 run.

31. The only thing worse than drunk-texting your ex is drunk-betting the Australasian National Rugby League at 4 am.

Although there's usually a comparable amount of tears.

30. You’re slightly impressed when you lose every individual piece of your 5-game parlay.

The only thing more impressive than winning five concurrent bets is managing to go 0-for. It's puzzling, and demoralizing, but you realize that if it were "opposite day" – you'd be that close.

29. You assumed Brasile would handle business at home this year at the World Cup, and ended up crying worse than their fanbase did after that loss to Germany.

28. You’ve bet on cricket for some quick money...

27. ...And you were upset to discover that cricket matches could, in fact, last for days.

Er, that backfired, huh?

26. Days stuck at work are perfect for betting on the WNBA...

Man, the Mercury have been been torching the league lately. They win by 20 every game, that point spread is a lock.

25. ...And you’ve used feminism in defense of this being problematic.

I'll be sure to take this up with HR, you'll be hearing from ME.

24. You live in New York and still bet on the Jets, Knicks, Islanders and Mets.

Jets +7.5? Lock.

Knicks +8.5? Lock.

Mets +250? Lock.

Islanders +1.5? Lock.

23. You’ve got money pending on Money Mayweather all year long, just waiting for September.

22. You’ve woken up like this...

No f*cking way. THEY CAME BACK?!

21. ...And you’ve woken up like this.

No f*cking way. THEY BLEW IT?!

20. You’re now an avid socce– football fan after the Premier League solved your Saturday morning boredom (and hangover, respectively).

Come on you Blues! Chelsea has been playing some delightful footy lately, mate. We're well in, lad.

19. You’ve bet all four quarters of a basketball game, respectively, in addition to the half- and full-time results.

I'm just trying to spread the money around, it's like the stock market.

18. Your dinner money is gambling money and, thus, your dinner is Easy Mac.

Honestly, I haven't really eaten a vegetable in weeks, and I feel great. I swear.

17. The thought of Kevin Love AND LeBron James AND Kyrie Irving playing together makes you feel some type of way.

So Cavs with the points AND moneyline, every night, no?

16. Speaking of Cleveland, betting against “Money Manziel” is sacrilegious.

Wait you didn't bet on Johnny Football. I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

15. F*ck dogs, horses have become a man’s best friend.

He's a mudder. His MOTHER was a MUDDER.

14. You’ve developed a few “foolproof” betting “systems”...

Brooooo. I'm onto some real next level sh*t here, man. NEXT LEVEL SHIT.

13. ...And these systems have ended up losing you thousands of dollars.

Frankly, I saw this whole thing working a lot better on the Excel spreadsheet.

12. You have “futures” bets with your boys, at the start of each semester, on over/under how many girls you think you can rake in.

11. You hit up your Eastern European friend for tennis tips.

How's Cilic's form? What about Djokovic? What about Dimitrov? Tomic? Matosevic? Raonic? He's Canadian? He was born in Montenegro, c'mon bro, you should know this. Are you even Serbian?

10. Watching Sunday Night Baseball is like Game 7 of the World Series, every week.

Sunday night baby, last chance to clean up this payment week.

9. The NBA summer league gave new meaning to your “unpaid” internship

If you do a little research, it's a cash crop. Take it from me.

8. F*ck Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year is the one week, in late October, when the MLB, NHL, NCAA, NBA and NFL seasons overlap for a hot second.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

7. During the ESPYs, you bet on specific nominations, or how many of Drizzy's jokes would land, since the rest of the sports world was dead.

6. You’ve bet on the New Jersey lottery.

Yeah? So what.

5. You’ve bet on darts.

Oh really man, you've never bet on darts?

4. You’ve bet on the World Series of Poker.

It's poker, I'm not seeing your point?

3. You’ve bet on table tennis.

If you tell me you've never bet money (or dibs on a girl) on a game of table tennis, you're straight up lying.

2. You’ve bet on Formula 1.

I suppose this is a little troubling.

1. You don’t think you have a problem.

Photo Courtesy: Universal Pictures/Two For the Money