13 Signs You're Unemployed And It's Getting To You

Not getting the job you want sucks, but what really sucks is not getting the job you’d hate — that unnatural yearning for something that is seemingly beneath you — and you still get rejected.

Like when Rob from “Swingers” laments the costumed Goofy gig at Disneyland but admits he would’ve killed for the job after he gets turned down. Self-preservation, self-reliance, basic amenities – it’s what moves even the most slothful among us.

But how do you know that it’s time to suck it up and take a job you hate? You’re alive, after all. You have Internet access. You take hot showers from time to time. You have both black and brown shoes. You can totally live off savings and a credit card for at least another month.

Here are some indications that you’ve been unemployed for too long:

1. “I’m Goofy. Send More Money.”

Here’s another reference to Rob’s predicament in “Swingers.” It’s hard to claim fiscal autonomy when receiving parental subsidies; your car is magically registered and insured and you’ve never seen a cell phone bill, yet it continues to operate — don’t fix what’s not broken.

2. Baristas Know Your Name

And you know their names. And where they’re from. And what they aspire to do. And you envy their job. Being a barista isn’t so bad — you get free muffins and coffee. Free muffins and coffee sound awesome.

3. Hold The Guac

What is a burrito without guacamole? I repeat: What the HELL is a burrito without the guacamole? (It’s what you eat when you’re unemployed and don’t want to pay for the add-on).

4. Sh*tty Booze

You claim to love the taste, but when you go to your buddy’s one night (the one who works at that illogically successful startup) and he flaunts a pack of Colorado microbrew, you’re blown away. Holy sh*t! What are these magical notes and flavors? You lick your lips and savor every drop. Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love,” plays in your head. And the next night, back in bed with Tecate, the distinct taste of urine manifests.

5. Gasoline

You purchase gasoline in $7 increments, like a crack head. You click ever so gently on the handle. One cent over and you may hit an overdraft fee. One cent under and you may not make it home. You attentively follow Middle East politics for oil price changes. You make illegal U-turns to get to the gas station across the street that’s five cents cheaper. You’re shameless.

6. You Never Tip

You are Steve Buscemi from “Reservoir Dogs.” You’re not cheap, you just see tipping as an archaic social establishment. You would tip if the service was extraordinary, but when is the service ever extraordinary?

7. Riding Out Clothes

A hole is developing in your favorite boxers in that area between your crotch and your ass. It’s time to switch to boxer briefs, anyway. (You read in a magazine that devotes its content to such matters that form-fitting boxer briefs arouse women. But, considering your form, you realize that may not be a good thing for you.) You contemplate a gym membership, but you can’t afford one — you are unemployed.

8. You Blame The Economy

“Find a job yet?”

“Nah, this economy is just killer. It’s those damn bureaucrats, you know? Those white wigs in their ivory towers.”

“Yeah, man… whatever you say.”

9. Cigarette = A Meal

You saw an advertisement that said, “Food insecurity is more common than you think.” You fasten your belt a notch tighter. Your stomach grumbles and you are lightheaded. The advertisement somehow resonates with you.

10. You Fantasize About Espresso Drinks

You’re at the front of the line. The barista is staring you dead in the eye. The word “latte is on the tip of your tongue. But you, disciplined poor person, go with a small black coffee instead.

11. Your Friend Voices Concern About When You’ll Start Paying For Your Own New York Times Subscription

Or your own Spotify. Or HBO. Or Netflix. Or unlimited monthly subway card. Or…

12. Shoplifting At Whole Foods

Stealing is bad. But when you’re really hungry, what’s wrong with “sampling” a few free vegan, non-GMO, blueberry muffins from an omnipotent health foods conglomerate? They won’t even feel it. They’re the one’s who are really stealing from the public with their overpriced products, right?!

13. Tenuous Love Life

You have a longstanding enmity for that girl who never once picked up the tab. You stopped dating her because of it. In the months that followed, you dwelled on the $42 and change you spent on hookah and drinks for which she didn’t even make a fake gesture toward her wallet. Or that other time, when you spent $16.27 on pho. Or that terrible outer space movie she insisted on seeing in IMAX 3D.

But as you remain single, and seemingly undateable, the notion that you may have missed out on finding your soul mate occurs to you. My God, she could have been the one, could she? Thinking this doesn’t help. At all.

Photo via We Heart It