11 Realities Of Being The Only Sober Person In The Club

by Joe Elvin

It's the staple of most 20-somethings' weekends. At that age, there's little better than hitting the club with some friends, getting liquored up and maybe trying your luck with the opposite sex.

The average American will lose hundreds of nights in a boozy daze of dance anthems, flirting and flashing lights. Even if you only remember a few of them, it will be worth every hangover.

But, what happens if you choose to go without the booze? Believe it or not, some people come to the club and don’t touch a drop of alcohol, which is called teetotaling.

You might have even considered it yourself, perhaps, because you’re the designated driver or you work weekends.

As a veteran of teetotal partying, I can confirm it’s a lot different when you replace tequila with tap water.

Here are 11 things you can definitely expect to happen when you’re sober in the club:

1. Your friends will try and change your mind.

It doesn’t matter if you’re on antibiotics or a recovering alcoholic. You could have a job interview or a 12-hour drive later that evening.

Your best friends will still always try to tempt to you into just one beer. You'll get more beers bought for you by turning teetotal than for any other event of your life.

2. Strangers will guess why you’re sober.

Tell a stranger you don’t drink and he or she will stare like you just turned wine into water. This confusion soon turns to intrigue and that’s when the guessing games begin.

"Did you have a bad experience? Do you prefer pills? Did you catch chlamydia last weekend?"

"I don't like drinking," apparently isn't a valid answer.

3. You’ll win all the drinking games.

If your mates let you play their drinking games, you’ll destroy them every time. Beer pong is surprisingly simple when your cups are full of soda.

4. Hitting on women becomes terrifying...

Booze has been helping men get laid since the beginning of booze.

But, even after 10 beers and a couple of shots, approaching that angel at the bar is beyond terrifying.

Try doing it without liquid courage and, suddenly, these girls become scarier than the bouncers. Chatting them up will feel as unnatural as masturbating with your other hand.

5. ...But you’ll probably be better at it.

If you can somehow get in the habit of chatting up women without a gallon of beer in your belly, you’ll probably notice you’re a lot better at it.

You’ll come across as more articulate, witty and polite than any other dude in the venue. You’ll seem as well-spoken as Prince William, and you probably won’t vomit on anyone, either.

6. Unfortunately, there will be fewer women you’ll actually want to hit on.

Booze makes Plain Janes look like Playboy Bunnies. Even that lamppost on the opposite street may look sexy after a few brews.

But, when you’re on the soft drinks, you’ll spot the double chins, muffin tops and misplaced facial features a mile away. Even the absolute babes become so annoying by the end of the night, you’d probably prefer to go home alone.

7. Your friends will forget how to get home.

Have you ever had a heavy night and woken up with no how clue you got home? It was probably a sober dude who showed you the way.

As the designated "sensible friend," it's up to you to get everyone to bed.

8. They’ll also ask what happened.

The next day, expect many confused texts questioning every element of last night's events.

"How did I get this huge gash on my leg?" "Where are those three pizzas we left in the freezer?" "Who’s this ghastly girl in my bedroom?"

You’re the man with all the answers.

9. You’ll get bored on bad nights out...

Those nights where the DJ spins the Spice Girls and ABBA all evening and the naughtiest women are pushing middle age...

No fun.

10. ...But you won’t mind because you spent next to no money.

You’ll wake up smiling because the dollars in your wallet didn’t do their traditional disappearing act. You can probably buy yourself a new Polo shirt or a Xbox game with the money you saved. You’ll want to make it rain like Lil’ Wayne every weekend.

11. You’ll wake up and want to do activities.

You’ll even have the energy to leave the house before the sun sets. You’ll look and feel better than most of your mates for the rest of the weekend. Not only that, your abs will also start to show through your beer belly.

I’ll drink to that.