The other night, I was exploring New York’s bustling nightlife with a group of friends, three of whom were coupled up and two of whom, like me, were single.
The night was fun for all of us, but it was also very different for each of us.
There's an omnipresent dichotomy between the way people in relationships spend their evenings and the way people who are not in relationships do. I hate to separate the two like that, but it's true.
The juxtaposition between the single stallions and the cuffed couples that night was absolutely fascinating. The couples were graceful and reserved, and the singles (including myself) were hot f*cking messes (would you expect anything less?).
In just one night of going out with my single and coupled friends, I learned something I'm surprised I had never realized before: When you're single, fun means one thing, but when you're in a relationship, it means something entirely different.
Singles, listen up. The only way to survive going out with your coupled-up friends when your ass is single AF is to be surrounded by like-minded individuals who experience the world the same way you do -- that is, other people who are single AF and going through the same sh*t you go through on a daily basis.
You know, things like having to swipe through 90 ugly freaks before getting to one normal cute guy on Bumble and straight up having to lie to creeps at bars about having a boyfriend because it’s the only way to ward them off (even though they just end up spending the rest of the night sulking and lingering in the background while indiscreetly staring at you or plotting their next move on your friend).
Honestly, it’d be easier to ban all men entirely and just make every night a girls’ night, but that isn’t fair. You can’t excommunicate all the guys your girlfriends are dating just because they love them unconditionally, and you haven’t found someone to do the same for you (ugh).
Also, creepy guys at bars make for hilarious stories.
Still, it isn’t easy. You pretend to do the nonchalant lookaway while your friends have their private, lovey-dovey moments: the boyfriend’s placement of his hand on the small of his girl’s back. The girlfriend whispering sweet nothings in her man’s ear.
And -- the worst one of them all -- when they engage in a full-on makeout sesh in front of everyone, and you don’t want to look, but you really just can’t help it.
So, without further ado, I present to you a night out with your coupled friends vs. a night out with your single friends.
Your coupled friends are in a cab by 11 pm; your single friends are putting your drunk ass in a cab at 2 AM.
You make friends with your cab drivers. But can your coupled friends say the same? Nope, didn’t think so.
Your coupled friends are busy sucking face; your single friends are finding you a dick to suck.
C’mon, people. When it comes down to it, it’s all about the D.
Your coupled friends make you want to vomit; your single friends drink with you until you actually vomit.
And they have an extra hairtie handy, because that’s what good friends are for.
Your coupled friends want to see a ~movie~ ; your single friends want to dance on a bar.
At least dancing on a bar in high heels burns calories. You’ll be single and fit, and they’ll be coupled and fat.
Your coupled friends are talking about having kids; your single friends are f*cking a new partner every week.
They’re childproofing their house. You’re squeezing a condom onto some dude’s junk.
Your coupled friends hit up the priciest wine-tastings; your single friends are downing $3 bottles of wine.
Look, wine is wine -- it’s all the same. You guys go ahead with your fancy selves; I’ll be here. As long as it gets me drunk, I don’t discriminate. I’m no WINE RACIST.
Your coupled friends are swing dancing to “Build Me Up Buttercup”; your single friends are grinding to “Candy Shop.”
“I’ll take ya to the can... oooh, hello, single, straight male. How YOU doin’?”
Your coupled friends are saying “we” (and it’s disgusting); your single friends are saying “When are WE drinking?"
Hey, it’s a valid question. Besides, you can't spell “whiskey” without “we.”
Your coupled friends have their noses in the air; your single friends are snorting something up their noses.
They’re on their high horse, and you’re just trying to get high (so you have an excuse to go buck wild and not be judged for it).
Your coupled friends are banging in the bathroom; you and your single friends are watching each other pee.
Your idea of romance is passing sh*tty toilet paper to your friend when she’s on the can.
Your coupled friends will force pasta down your throat; your single friends will force you to pound shots.
#GRAINZ vs. #GAINZ -- am I right?!?
Your coupled friends make you feel bad about your life; your single friends remind you what living is.
Rest assured, my fellow single chicas -- you won’t be single forever. So enjoy it while you still can, ‘cuz at the end of the day, there’s nothing better than ~SINGLE LIVIN’~!