Thanks, Internet: Why I'm Sad I Can't Actually Watch Netflix And Chill

by Dan Scotti

The Internet literally ruins everything.

Take “Game of Thrones,” for example: Probably a really great show, but, thanks to the weekly Twitter explosion every Sunday (chock full of spoilers and memes), the Internet goes and ruins it for everyone else within minutes.

Another thing -- selfies. Sure, there might have been a time in the past when taking a photo of yourself wasn’t all that noteworthy -- and surely wouldn’t have garnered upwards of 100 “likes” -- yet, today, in 2015, the Internet is flooded with Photoshopped duck faces.

And the list could go on forever -- memes, “#FoodPorn,” excessive emoji use, privacy -- it seems whenever something good comes around, it’s never too long before the Internet ruins it.

Lately, I’ve noticed that the newest installment to this sect of web-based victims is a little something known as “Netflix and chill.”

For those of you who have never heard of Netflix and chill (and probably live under a large rock), the phenomenon refers to the act of asking someone to “innocently” watch Netflix with you and chill, but -- in reality -- you just want to have sex with this person.

Personally, I don’t really find it amusing or groundbreaking in the slightest. People have been coming up with lies for the purpose of sex for generations upon generations -- this isn’t all that new of a concept.

I mean, even before, if a guy were to ask a chick to “watch Netflix and chill” -- or vice versa -- CLEARLY he’d be trying to have sex.

We’re in our 20s, man. We’re in our mid 20s. What type of person in his 20s is going to ask someone he is romantically interested in to just, like, sit through three hours of “Parks and Rec” with him?

A baby, that’s who. This isn’t f*cking daycare. Nobody’s looking for a television partner.

CLEARLY if you’re making formal plans to just sit on the couch and watch Netflix -- and quote, unquote, chill -- with another person, you have SOME ulterior motive.

But, for whatever reason, this whole “Netflix and chill” sh*t has gotten completely out of hand -- and it’s all thanks to the Internet.

Now, every time I log on to Twitter, Instagram or Facebook, I see a (generally unfunny) meme or GIF relating to N&C.

And, frankly, it bothers me -- as an avid Netflix watcher.

For years, Netflix has been the one escape from the drama in our dating lives.

For instance, sure, you might get rejected at the bar a few times over the course of your Friday night, but at least you know you can go home and chain-watch a few seasons of “Weeds,” as consolation, when all is said and done.

Or let’s say you want to avoid all the bullsh*t that usually accompanies a night out (also known as “being social”).

When your friend asks you what you’re doing tonight, and you reply with, “probably just Netflix and chill” -- suddenly you now have to go through the pains of explaining to your boy that, no, actually there isn’t a bright side, since you’re not actually having sex. You’re literally just watching Netflix and chilling (alongside a half zip of piff and a mini-marathon of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”).

And that’s my point. Why does Netflix and chill have to become the Internet’s new 2015 translation for sex?

Like, I watch Netflix and chill with my f*cking mother -- please don’t create a mental image I’ll likely have to spend the next 35 years of my life trying to erase just because the rest of society is too unimaginative to get laid sans some clichéd slogan.

The whole Netflix and chill saga has gotten mad f*cking annoying. Not to mention, if it ever did provide some positive results for people in need of some “instant game,” the cats definitely out of the proverbial bag now.

But, again, thanks to the Internet, now if you ever want to innocently propose the idea of some television with a chick you just met, she’ll probably keep one hand nestled gently on a bottle of mace, just in case you try to pull any funny stuff.

So, please, I urge you, the Internet, find something else to ruin.

Leave Netflix and chilling alone. Stoners have been making use of both of those entities for decades, on the low, without a hitch. Yet, after about a month of Internet exposure, they’ve become the focal point of this obnoxious epidemic.

Go take Hulu -- and the phrase “Kickin it,” all right?

Leave Netflix and chill the f*ck alone.