Shake It Fast: 100 Times Booty Music Perfectly Described Your Life

by Candice Jalili

Someone recently asked me what genre the soundtrack to my life would be. For me, this was a no-brainer: BOOTY MUSIC.

For those of you who are unclear on what sort of music falls under the umbrella of this fabulous genre, Urban Dictionary provides us with a nice definition:

Music that gets your booty moving and encourages outrageous dancing. This is not your average dance song. This is the ultimate dance song. Even nerdy white girls fall victim to the charm and pull of BOOTY MUSIC.

I would go so far as to say that beyond getting our booties moving, booty music sings the song of all of our lives.

Okay, so that was a tad bit of an overgeneralization, but, like, I’m willing to bet that there were AT LEAST 100 times (listed below) during which booty music described your life perfectly.

1. When you Venmo-requested your friend for takeout last night.

2. When you took your first women’s studies class in college.

3. When you were ready to get your drank on.

4. When you were the punctual friend.

5. When you thought you had a really great time together, but he never called.

6. When all your friends wanted to go home, and you had no intention of leaving.

7. When you trusted no one.

8. When you and your homies all got promoted.

9. When you were laying down the mack at the clubs.

10. When you didn’t need to use your words.

11. When you were a bad bitch who took no sh*t.

12. When that guy would not stop texting you.

13. When you and your girls went on vacation.

14. When you stopped being afraid of being a bitch.

15. When you spotted that hottie from across the bar and knew it was game on.

16. When you packed on a few extra lbs and gave 0 f*cks.

17. When feelings were ~mutual~.

18. When he was your partner in crime.

19. When the universe was working properly, and everything was going your way.

20. When your friends were about to kill you because you were so whipped.

21. When his friends were about to kill him because you had him so whipped.

22. When you were the only one for him.

23. When it was your birthday.

24. When your dance moves were on point.

25. When you were looking for something more serious.

26. When you let the stupid drama get the best of you.

27. When your heart was broken, and it was 110 percent your fault.

28. When he f*cked you over, and you made him pay (literally).

29. When you got to the party at perfect peak time.

30. When some douche was trying to play you and your bestie.

31. When he wanted you back, but you were so over it.

32. When you were doing some kinky sh*t.

33. When you realized your new guy was just your ex in different packaging.

34. When you were blatantly so not over your ex.

35. When you just wanted to let your freak flag fly.

36. When you knew your drinking limits and didn't care.

37. When your beer goggles got the best of you.

38. When you were so into someone who was totally off limits.

39. When you met the one.

40. When you didn’t need no man.

41. When you knew it was time to move on.

42. When you tried to fix someone who couldn’t be fixed.

43. When you were grinding.

44. When you were having make-up sex.

45. When you had to apologize.

46. When you looked so fly, jaws were dropping left and right.

47. When you boinked in the car.

48. When you had high standards.

49. When it was WAY too hot.

50. When you just wanted to snuggle.

51. When you were trying to make long distance work.

52. When you were ready to get your freak on.

53. When you were over the bullsh*t.

54. When you still slept in his clothing months after you broke up.

55. When you were super horny.

56. When you felt trapped.

57. When you were making love to the soundtrack of your life.

58. When he was being so shady.

59. When there were too many haters to keep track of.

60. When you and this hottie were vibing from across the club, and you were just waiting for him to make a move.

61. When you were giving a blowie.

62. When you had your first kiss.

63. When he was a little too close to his ex.

64. When you just wanted to slow things down a bit.

65. When you had a vacation fling.

66. When your ex got into a new relationship, and you had to make it clear that you are the best he ever had.

67. When you knew it was coming and, suddenly, whoop... there it was.

68. When you were having a great hair day.

69. When life felt like a dream.

70. When you were having a hard time hearing.

71. When you grabbed life by the balls.

72. When you were about to rock his world.

73. When you wanted to know what you were working with.

74. When you made it through some tough times.

75. When you were the new girl in school.

76. When you rocked your curves.

77. When you were too tired to fight.

78. When some stupid idiot thought you were more into him than you actually were.

79. When you were just trying to do you.

80. When you proved all of the haters so wrong.

81. When you knew exactly what you liked.

82. When you were so over the dating game.

83. When you were single and ready to mingle.

84. When some f*ckboy didn’t realize you were the best thing to have EVER happened to him.

85. When he totally called you on your sh*t.

86. When you ran into your high-school sweetheart.

87. When he offered to give you a ride home.

88. When you were ready to go BUCKWILD.

89. When you and your friends had a table at the hottest club in town.

90. When he turned you into a crazy bitch.

91. When you blatantly got caught cheating.

92. When you were completely in charge of your own sexuality.

93. When you knew he was SO into you.

94. When you wore makeup for the first time.

95. When you knew you were getting some tonight.

96. When you were at the club with your girls and some incompetent loser kept hitting on you.

97. When your clique game was so strong.

98. When it was payday.

99. When you ran into your nemesis.

100. When you successfully avoided any chance of VPL (visible panty line).