Everything I Want To Ask The Man Who Sexually Assaulted Me

Frankly, you don't deserve an introduction. So, I'm not going to start with one.

It's been almost two years since that night, the one that changed everything for me. I still can't even find the words for you.

Truthfully, you're worth neither my time nor my words. With that being said, there are so many things I've been wanting to ask you for some time now.

How could you do this to me?

I trusted you. We were supposed to be "friends." Friends are not supposed to hurt each other like this. If I knew you had the capability to do what you did, I would have never talked to you in the first place.

You were supposed to care about me. I thought you would protect me. Turns out, the only person I needed protection from was you. You were the person I needed to stay away from.

Did you not hear me tell you to stop?

Stop: It's the four-letter word that still haunts me in my sleep. I told you repeatedly to stop, but you kept going. Did you not hear me? Or, did you choose not to listen?

Were you drunk, or did you just take advantage of the fact I was?

I'm not sure how much you had to drink that night, but we both know it wasn't as much as I did. I've tried to blame everything that happened on you being too drunk to understand what you were doing.

To my surprise, that next morning, you told me you weren't drunk at all. I will never forget what you said, but most days, I need to pretend that I have.

Does that night haunt you in your dreams?

I'm sure that night doesn't rob you of your sleep like it does to me. Two years later, I still have dreams of you on top of me, and me yelling for you to stop. But, you never do.

Do you get chills when you hear my name?

Your name sends shivers down my spine. Do you even think twice when you hear mine? Unfortunately for me, we're still in the same friend group. Does the thought of seeing me again take over your thoughts?

I know that someday soon, I will have to see you again. I'm dreading that moment. I'm not sure if I will have any words for you. But, you don't even deserve any.

What did you tell your friends about that night?

I'm sure you didn't mention my side of the story. I hate that our friends think we just had a drunken hookup. They still make jokes about it to this day.

If they knew the truth, I wouldn't be the butt of their jokes anymore. I'm sure you weren't man enough to tell them what really happened. But, I haven't been strong enough to tell them, either.

How can you live with yourself?

I'm sure you haven't even thought twice about that night. To you, I'm probably just another girl you banged during college. I'm just another hookup you can't stop bragging to your friends about.

In my eyes, you are a monster. You took a part of me that I will never be able to get back. In one night, you destroyed a huge part of my life.

You've made it hard for me to have a healthy, functioning relationship since. Because of you, I can't find the strength to trust men. I constantly find myself blaming these other guys for your actions. They don't deserve it.

But more importantly, I never deserved any of this.