What To Anticipate When Starbucks Turns Into A Club

Starbucks recently announced it will be offering a new late-night menu that includes liquor and "gourmet cuisines" like bacon-wrapped dates and chicken skewers (We use "gourmet" loosely because have you seen what's inside those plastic containers?).

We’re going to need all those hidden calorie-laden treats because… get ready for it… Starbucks will also be turning into a club once it starts serving alcohol!

Complete with an in-house DJ jacked-up on caffeine (Is there any other kind?) playing all your coffeehouse hits, Club Mermaid as it’s now commonly referred to, starts bumping promptly at 4 pm, at which point booze flows faster than you can say “fairly-traded.”

We know what you’re thinking: “Please, please let there be an Otis Redding remix” because, well, we are hoping, too.

One Starbucks has already employed a feisty bouncer to ensure that all the riff-raff (read: people only entering to use the bathroom, literal party poopers) keeps out.

So if you have to go during work hours, you might want to rethink your stall spot. Already the bouncer has witnessed atrocities such as clubgoers holding up the line unable to communicate their orders, gross misspellings of God-given appellations and personally, the most upsetting, spilled milk. We cried over the last one.

Early chatter confirms that Club Mermaid is by far the boldest in the city, albeit also the most expensive.

One patron, who requested she remain anonymous as per the terms of her rehab program, says that she spent over $321 for a glass of wine. Why does it cost so much at Club Mermaid?

Number one, it’s in the club’s moniker: StarBUCKS. Number two, the patron requested a custom-order wine without the carbs from the grapes, nonfat tannins and with an extra shot (of alcohol). All those alterations are gonna cost you!

Despite the hefty price tag of partying at Club Mermaid (Tables reportedly go for the price of two MAC laptops and are usually only available to hipster students and VIP clientele; tourists, you’ll have to find a new coffee shop.), female clubgoers say it is “the coolest thing to hit Starbucks since venti iced coffees and sugar-free sweetener.”

Speaking of which, be careful of what saccharine you’re pouring into that cup. There have been unsubstantiated claims that the use of illicit drugs is now on the rise at Club Mermaid, due largely in part to their easy guise as harmless white powder.

While there hasn’t been any reported deaths directly linked to these drugs, there have been several linked to high-calorie frappuccino consumption.

This isn’t meant to discourage you from attending, however, as Starbucks officials assure us that the baristas are not only well-trained in making you feel bad for your non-complicated order (Seriously, you’re giving us sh*t for a grande chai tea latte?), but also in making their job seem extremely stressful.

Club Mermaid really is what Starbucks promised it would be: a place to drink so much that you move slower than the complimentary WiFi.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It