If you've smoked weed at some point or another in your life, you have most likely had to interact with a dealer. If you're a regular smoker like myself, you've come to known the different types of dealers very well.
Whether you're a regular or occasional smoker, I'm sure you've dealt with at least one of the dealers below:
1. Fickle Frank
How is this person even considered a dealer? How does he make any money?
Fickle Frank never answers your texts. When he does, he'll stop answering almost immediately again.
“I'll be good tonight,” Frank will tell you. “I'll let you know when I pick up.”
So, you wait and wait and wait. Then, you'll text him to see how it's coming along.
No response. You're left hanging, wishing you had asked someone else instead of the most unreliable dealer you know.
2. Chummy Chad
He thinks every person who picks up from him is his best friend, and he sees every single deal as a hangout sesh.
He expects to sit and smoke a joint when you pick up. He wants you to try his new bong, his new vape or different strands that he has.
He talks your ear off about his life, his family problems and his relationship issues, and you don't even need to respond. He's so blazed and happy to just have someone there listening.
But when you pick up from this one, you usually need an excuse ready.
“Sorry, I have to go pick up my sister,” you say as he starts climbing into your car with a blunt. He's better than Frank, but sometimes, you wish you could just exchange and nothing more.
3. Awkward Andy
You dread meeting him. He'll have you come to his house. You'll be sitting in his driveway, waiting for him to run out.
Then, you'll get a text: “Come inside.” He introduces you to his dog, gives you a mini tour of his apartment and stands there in silence, as if he doesn't know why you're there.
He tries to make small talk as he's weighing it out, only making the whole exchange that much more awkward.
4. Paranoid Paul
If you were ever to get busted during a deal, it would be because of him. He's scared to meet anywhere. He thinks cops are all over the place looking for him.
You slap a palm to your forehead as you see him crossing the parking lot, looking this way and that. His hand is balled up inside his pocket, and he's frantically pulling at your passenger door to get in and look “casual."
He doesn't realize the more paranoid he is, the more obvious he looks.
5. Overpriced Oliver
This is the one you usually go to as a last resort when Frank isn't answering, and you don't feel like doing a therapy session with Chad. You always complain about his prices, but he knows you'll keep coming back, so he never lowers them.
“You want $50 for an eighth?”
You look at him with bug eyes before slapping the bills in his hand and driving away.
6. Naïve Nate
You seem to know more about weed than he does. You frequently question if he even smokes or knows what he's selling.
He never has any proper packaging, and he has even dumped a few nugs straight into your hand before. The amount always look suspiciously too much or too little.
He takes a long time to figure out pricing, especially when you hit him with an amount you don't usually buy. He never has a clue what kind of weed it is or what kind of high it gives you.
7. Cocky Cody
He thinks he's a big shot, like he's the only dealer around for miles.
“Check out this sh*t,” he'll say, opening up a jar. You'll take a whiff and already recognize it as the same sh*t you bought the week prior from someone else. He even acts like he's doing you a huge favor by throwing in an extra dime here and there.
Everything is done on his time, and you only meet where he wants to meet. Nothing is ever convenient for you because he assumes he's the only one you can pick up from. That's where he's wrong.
8. Super Senior Sam
Does he have a job? Shouldn't he have a family by now? Why is he still selling weed?
This is the guy stuck in college. He is probably in his mid-30s, but he smokes just as much as you do.
“Oh, you graduated in '06? I was '96!” He'll probably know your older siblings, and he will ask what they're up to. You'll almost feel guilty telling him they moved out of your hometown and got married.
“Wow, good for them. Here's that OG Kush you wanted!”
9. Baby Ben
He makes you feel old AF. He's a contact you probably got from your younger sibling, so you feel like a parent getting weed from a child. You try to act cool, but you manage to sound even older than you are.
“Be careful out there,” you'll say as you're walking away from his car. Then, you'll get into your own car and feel bad about yourself.
10. Sketchy Skylar
You pretty much think he's going to murder you. He always has you meet him at the sketchiest, most horror-movie-looking locations there are.
“Meet me at midnight in the alleyway.”
“Meet me at the abandoned church behind the cemetery.”
“Meet me in the middle of the woods. Come alone.”
Every time, you manage to walk away unscathed, but you don't know how.
