A Harsh But Honest Take On 45 Bad Pieces Of Advice From Your Childhood

by Lauren Martin

You live and you learn; it's a common expression that holds the idea that the older you get, the more you know. With age comes wisdom and with experience comes respect.

We've established systems to appease this age-old ideal, with the old teaching the young and the young respecting their elders. Of course, our parents will always know more than we do and have lived fuller lives (to some extent), so we hold their advice with the utmost regard.

However, sometimes their advice isn't always right. Sometimes the age-old advice that's been passed down from the teachers to the pupils, the wise to the daft, and the experienced to the empty can be reinterpreted, revisited and re-defined as generations define their own ideals and philosophies.

In an age defined by technological and cultural barriers never passed by our predecessors, we have a different view of life, a different idea about living and learning. We've experienced enough by now to start setting our own proverbs and words of advice to guide those after us. Things that we view as important, unfaltering and profound become our own words of advice, and just another reason to reevaluate the old ones.

1. Never give up… Just quit while you’re ahead.

2. Always eat your vegetables… Unless there’s candy.

3. Don’t wear white after labor day… Wear it all the time.

4. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch… Count the chickens before they lay.

5. Don’t have any regrets… Just painful memories

6. Keep your enemies close… Or just ignore them entirely

7. Respect your elders… Unless they’re racists, assh*les or just bad people.

8. Always look both ways… Unless it’s a one-way street.

9. There are two sides to every story… One side is always better.

10. Never trust first impressions… Just refuse to give them a second.

11. Two wrongs don’t make a right… Two rights usually make two assh*les.

12. When in Rome, do as the Romans… Unless it involves killing your roommate.

13. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… Or don’t do anything at all.

14. There’s no such thing as a free lunch… There is always free dinner.

15. The early bird catches the worm… The late bird gets to sleep in.

16. Beggars can’t be choosers… The homeless man who refused my apple begs to differ.

17. Actions speak louder than words… Words can move mountains.

18. Practice makes perfect… Don’t strive for perfection.

19. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you… Unless it’s holding you captive.

20. All good things must come to an end… Endings are always the beginning of a good thing.

21. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em… Unless they're Nazis, fascists or anything like that.

22. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure… Unless it’s just trash.

23. There’s no time like the present… The future would beg to differ.

24. A penny saved is a penny earned… A penny isn’t worth saving.

25. You can’t judge a book by its cover… Unless it’s porn.

26. Good things come to those who wait… Those who wait never win.

27. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket... Hide them from the government.

28. Two heads are better than one… Always listen to yourself.

29. The grass is always greener… Unless you live in the desert.

30. Honesty is the best policy… Until lying works.

31. Absence makes the heart grow fonder… Until they meet someone else at their gym.

32. If you want something done right, do it yourself… Unless it’s electrical wiring.

33. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… Break it then replace it with something better.

34. Better late than never… Don’t come if you’re gonna be an hour late, it’s rude.

35. Bad news travels fast… Gossip travels faster.

36. Better safe than sorry… Never play it safe, and never apologize.

37. Blood is thicker than water… Water is easier to swallow.

38. Curiosity killed the cat… Society killed the cat.

39. Good things come in small packages… Unless it’s his package.

40. Love is blind… Attraction always catches the first glance.

41. Money doesn’t grow on trees… You can sell trees for money.

42. Misery loves company… Company will make you miserable.

43. There’s no place like home… Unless you’re in Italy.

44. The squeaking wheel gets the oil… The complaining wheel gets replaced.

45. Old habits die hard… Dying will cure you of all your habits.

Photo courtesy: A Bronx Tale