5 Traits Of My Identity That I Constantly Struggle To Accept
I saw a list on Twitter that was titled, “5 Things I’m Trying to Accept.”
This list mostly dealt with external things, like, “My parents and friends will talk behind my back,” or “Coffee will always be ridiculously expensive.”
However, the first thing on the list was “My skin will never be perfect.”
I immediately agreed with that statement. “Yes,” I thought, “I have to accept that. My skin will never be perfect.” But, as I read the rest of the list, I let my mind wander in a different direction.
What if the list wasn’t just “5 Things That I’m Trying to Accept,” but, “5 Things That I’m Trying to Accept About Myself?”
Immediately, I began to write. This is what I came up with:
1. I will never have an ideal body:
This also goes for being ideally skinny or ideally curvy. It just won't happen.
I’m not a size two, nor do I have a perfect hourglass figure. To be honest, I’m shaped more like a pear.
I have some padding in all the wrong places. I fluctuate between chubby and curvy-ish. I like ice cream too much and the gym too little.
I will never look like the models in the magazines, but hey, as long as I’m trying to be healthy (minus the ice cream and hating the gym part), I’ll be perfectly okay.
2. I’m tall:
I’m 5’10,” which means that I have to get used to the fact that when a dress comes down to my shorter friends’ knees, it would probably be dangerously close to revealing my unmentionables if I wore it.
I can’t let the comment, “Oh my God, you are so tall!” get on my nerves. I also have to constantly tell people that, "No, I did not play volleyball or basketball because, despite having the height for it, I am extremely ungraceful and probably would have ended up hurting myself or someone else.”
I have to deal with the fact that most of the guys I meet will not be more than 6 feet, but rather, closer to my height.
I also have to deal with the fact that there are some guys who can’t deal with my height because they’re “a bit intimidated by tall women.”
However, I also get to deal with being an awesome Amazonian giant who can crush anyone who gets in my way, especially if I’m wearing my heels. So, that’s pretty neat.
3. My sense of humor is not everyone’s cup of tea:
You know that awkward feeling when you crack a joke and no one laughs? Yeah, I get that all the time.
I try to be funny, but people don’t seem to get my jokes. I literally hear crickets after I tell a story that I find absolutely hilarious.
I usually have to tell people that it’s okay to laugh, and after that, I only get a half-hearted, slightly scared chuckle.
I will probably never be a standup comedian or star in my own sitcom (though that's really the dream).
I guess I really shouldn’t care if people don’t laugh at my jokes. Though, I could always use torture to force laughs.
That was a joke.
You can laugh.
4. I’m perpetually single:
I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve only been on a couple of dates, and, to be honest, I question whether those were actually dates. Being perpetually single comes with many mixed feelings.
On one hand, I am constantly wondering if there is something about me that just repels guys. Is there a reason they’re not showing any interest in me?
Is it my height? My weight? My weird sense of humor? The fact that I am a lot more clever online than I am in real life? I don’t know.
And, despite the constant stream of “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or “God has someone special for you, just wait,” that I get from well-meaning friends and family, I can’t help but feel a bit impatient.
I mean, yes, eventually I’ll be in a relationship (or own 100 cats to combat my loneliness), but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any less insecure about my perpetual singledom.
But then, we have the other hand, and on this hand is the fact that I’m perfectly happy being single.
Being single means that I have time for myself so I can focus on things that I care about, like my education. It means that I don’t have to feel obligated to spend my time with anyone else.
If I wanted to pack up and move to a new city, I could. If I wanted to travel, I could. I’m in my early 20s, and this is the perfect time to be perpetually single. I don’t have to worry about it. It’ll happen when it happens.
5. I’m a giant dork:
My best friend once told me that the only way I’d ever be happy in a marriage would be if my husband and I were equally dorky. I feel like this is true.
The reason I say I’m a dork is because I get super excited about things that I love; I’m the type of person who goes to the Harry Potter studio tour in London and cheers for Hufflepuff because that’s the house into which "Pottermore" sorted me.
I sincerely want to recreate the awesome scene from "The Incredibles" as my wedding reception entrance, and then go take pictures with my bridesmaids in a photo booth shaped like the TARDIS.
If the people I’m with start to talk about a book, television show or a band that I love, you can bet that I’ll unintentionally dominate that conversation and barely give other people a chance to talk.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not ashamed of the things that I love, but I sometimes get self-conscious about how I express that love.
I need to constantly remind myself that being dorky is okay because it simply means that you get excited about the things you love. And, why would that ever be a problem?
I wish I could say that it took me a long time to figure out these five things, but it honestly didn’t. It’s funny how easy it is to come up with things that we don’t like about ourselves.
The minute I started thinking about it, a bunch of insecurities came pouring out and splashed across the page.
I will admit that I was a bit worried that once I started writing this list, it would make me feel worse about these things, but it didn’t. In fact, it did just the opposite.
As I wrote this list, I had to ask myself why I didn’t like these things about myself. Was it because of what I had seen? Was it because people said things to me?
Was it because there were some times that I did something and felt awkward about it?
What is it about these five things that make me self-conscious? Once I answered those questions, I found myself having a bit more fun.
Suddenly, it became easy to be humorous with the list. Like, obviously I’m never going to be a model if I keep loving ice cream and hating the gym. That’s just how it works.
The minute I started making fun of these things, I began to feel better. This list didn’t magically cure my insecurities, but it did take me one step closer to accepting them.