What’s worse than enduring your mom as she learns to use a smartphone? Being completely humiliated by her on Instagram.
Mom is great at many, many things. Technology is not one of them. She’s your best friend if only because she isn’t totally tainted by the social media world. All that changes when she joins Instagram.
It all starts out innocently. You think she’s using the photo-sharing site to promote her real estate page, until one day she accidentally double-taps a photo of you and your ex-boyfriend and then commits social media homicide.
We didn’t think our parents could socially humiliate us past the eigth grade, but alas we were wrong.
Mom on Instagram is the adult version of her chaperoning one of your high school dances. She just doesn’t understand, and yet, she still manages to innocently kill the party.
Mom, we don’t just “like” you -- we LOVE you. We love you for all the incredible things you do for us, #nofilter.
Perhaps though, you should express yourself through verbal words, not virtual pictures. Here are all the things your mom will never understand about Instagram.
1. She doesn’t understand how people are just Instagram famous
These days, a big ass is more lucrative than a college education. You can post photos of your backside, but you can’t post photos of your intelligence.
It’s OK Mom, you don’t really need to know who Jen Selter is. Keep watching Eyewitness News for your connection to the outside world.
2. She #TBTs ugly pictures of you when you were 16 during your awkward phase
Really, Mom? You couldn't at least #TBT all the cute baby photos of us before our awkward phase?
This is more humiliating than the time you used only horrifying middle school photos (think: braces, bangs pushed back by headbands and lots of visible forehead acne) in our yearbook montage.
Thank goodness Mom only has, like, six followers.
3. She accidentally “likes” your ex-boyfriend’s photo by trying to zoom in (and double tapping)
Congratulations, you'll never get those 10 seconds of your life back. Mom totally blew up your spot.
You not-so-calmly remind her that this is exactly why you refused to show her Instagram in the first place and proceed to step two: damage control.
4. When your mom recognizes someone from Instagram at a wedding
Mom thinks she's fitting in by acting chummy with a guy she knows from following on Instagram. But Mom, you're totally not supposed to know who he is.
The fact that she knows his blood type and grandmother's maiden name all from intensely stalking his social media isn't helpful -- it's just plain insane.
5. When she comments that “You are a great group of kids” underneath pics in which you’re so drunk your eyes are rolling backwards
Mom never fails to comment something that completely misses the mark and is super embarrassing.
Like the time your cat died and she neglected to call, and instead of posted "Mittens died today, sorry honey" beneath your cuddly photos together. Social media is not always the answer, Mom. Eat your words.
...We want Mittens back! Wah.
6. She doesn’t understand why you need to show everyone what you ate for dinner
If a gorgeously-plated meal is served and no one is around to capture it on Instagram, did it ever really happen? “In my day, people just ate their food. They didn’t take photos of it.”
Are you going to put this meal in a photo album? Will you remember it like it was high school graduation? Will it sit next to all the family pictures in the living room?
7. She’s not quite sure of the purpose of geotagging
Mom will geotag things like “The Kitchen” and “The Basement.” In her defense, she believes these places are highly exclusive. No one gets into her pantry without asking first.
8. She makes nine birthday collages for you
Thanks for loving us so much, Mom. Maybe next time you don’t need to share every mortifying milestone of ours with the rest of the world. A card will do just fine.
9. When she goes backward through photos of someone whom you’re not following and “likes” them
In the wise words of Dionne, “Well, there goes your social life.”
10. When she requests to follow all of your friends
We hate to break it to you Mom, but none of our friends want you to follow them. Even though we’re smarter than that, we still post highly incriminating photos that aren’t safe for work, finding a new job or winning over your praise.
Now we can no longer lie to you about what we did Friday night because you can easily view the photographic evidence. We like that you’re “friends” with our friends on a greeting-basis only.
11. When she selfies
This is cute only to a few certain people. Everyone else just thinks you are that mom, trying way too hard to fit in at 50. Save the selfies for the family group chat where you’re much more appreciated.
12. She goes overboard on emojis
The worst thing to happen to you since mom found out how to use the iPhone is her newfound knowledge of emojis.
Texting us that dinner is ready with eight different food icons is not nearly as impressive as the real deal. We still love you though, Mom. If only because you give us great fodder for posts like these.