What The ‘12 Days Of Christmas' Gifts Would Look Like In Today's World
These days, it seems like we start hearing holiday music before we've even finished loosening our belts at the Thanksgiving table.
Christmas carols, along with the smell of pine from the trees on the street and the bright, colorful lights illuminating the night winter skies, are how we know the holidays have arrived.
However -- joyous as they may be -- their lyrical content is also not very relevant to our lives today. Mind you, the majority of these songs were written long before we were born.
In fact, my favorite Christmas song, “The 12 Days of Christmas,” was actually written in 1780. And quite frankly, I really don't think most people today can relate to wanting those kinds of gifts, especially since most of the gifts are different kinds of birds. Seriously, reread the lyrics. It's a sh*t-ton of birds.
Partridges, french hens, swans-a-swimming, geese-a-laying — you can just picture today's millennial smiling wanly and trying to sound enthusiastic as he unwraps the turtle doves, all like, "Oh...cool! ...More birds. Thanks, true love."
So I took it upon myself to scribble up a 2015 remix to this classic ballad, with hopes of making it a bit more relevant to the modern era.
Let’s get started, shall we?
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: a password for Apple TV.
What could be better than a password for Apple TV? You got Netflix, Hulu and YouTube on there. You got your sports packages. You got your iTunes. And did I mention it’s made by Apple?
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: two seats at brunch...
Smartphones and brunch: THAT’S WHAT MILLENNIALS DO.
Everyone loves a good brunch -- I mean, what else could you possibly want to do on a sunday morning, when you’re hungover as f*ck?
Barkeep, another round of mimosas!
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: three hashtags...
It wouldn’t be the year 2015 without hashtags. #Facts. #WeKnowThis. #Blessed. #HowManyMoreWordsCanIFitIntoAHashtag?
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: four calling exes...
As we turn the page on another calendar year, let’s take a moment to acknowledge all of the new exes we have accumulated over the past 12 months. And by acknowledge, I mean glance at our phones, because they’re probably still texting.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: FIVE UNPAID INTERNSHIPS...
Unpaid, of course. Entering the workforce through an unpaid internship is pretty much the corporate versions of pledging a fraternity or sorority for today's millennial.
Water cooler keg stands anyone?
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: six Venmos paying...
What’s cash? I have my debit card. And my parents’ credit card? Or Venmo. Let me just Venmo you.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: seven memes-a-GIFing...
Over the past few years, we’ve seen the rise of GIFs. Still photography has become as outdated as birds, man. We want GIFs now, and maybe some memes too.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: eight pics-a-stitchin'...
Pic Stitches have become the premier way to wish one of your friends the happiest of birthdays while also including every good picture of yourself that you have on your photo reel.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: nine ladies ‘Gramming...
Today, we do a lot of things “for the Gram.” It’s pretty pathetic when you really think about it -- but who’s got time to think about anything with all these likes coming through a mile a minute?
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: 10 albums leaking...
It’s impossible for an album to release on its pre-determined release date anymore. Nowadays, every album leaks days -- or weeks -- prior to when they’re supposed to.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: 11 dates-a-swiping...
I honestly don’t know how people got dates 20 years ago without the help of dating apps. I mean, that would mean actually meeting people face to face. Like, in public?
Uh, we swipe now.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 Ubers coming...
Who’s DDing? F*cking nobody. Ubers were always there for us in 2015 whenever we needed to get ourselves and our sh*tfaced friends home.
Now that's true love.