Aside from university football games, what is something that almost all college students attend during their time as undergraduates? Parties. In essence, these gatherings mimic that of New York City, as people from all walks of life descend on a common area for some fun and euphoria - sleazy euphoria. College celebrations are notorious for A) alcohol/drugs, B) half-naked females and males, C) EDM, and D) unique characters.
The many eccentric personalities that occupy these parties carry unique characteristics and behaviors that make our most drunken nights so special. Throughout the college experience, one is bound to come in contact with fellow partygoers that will influence his or her perception of collegiate gatherings, for better or for worse.
Whatever you frequent more, frat parties or house parties, you meet an array of characters, including druggies, stereotypical bros, annoying couples, and more.
Here are the nine types of people you will meet during your college partying days:
The Inevitable Blonde Bombshell
For the entire night, this girl will only be conversing with her entourage of beautiful friends, or with some popular members of the fraternity. Once a random brave soul approaches this girl to ask for a dance, she’ll bestow upon him a Kobe death stare to reassure him of his social ranking within the collegiate hierarchy – below her.
From that point on, the closest you’ll be able to get to this bleach-blonde beauty is from afar, witnessing her on the dance floor teasing thirsty males by suggestively dancing with her female cohorts to Kesha’s “Die Young.”
The Kid Who Just Tried Alcohol for the First Time
Poor soul. This is his first night of freedom in his collegiate career. He hasn’t been able to live the typical college life due to his numerous biology and organic chemistry exams. He doesn’t know his tolerance and he takes numerous shots of Traveler’s Club vodka to prep for the night’s festivities.
Within the first twenty minutes of the party, he’s hooking up with a grenade and profusely sweating like a whore in church. His newfound “liquid courage” will enhance his confidence to the point where he will try and approach the aforementioned “blonde bombshell,” which will result in him making a complete fool of himself. Before the night is through, his beloved button-up shirt will be wrinkled, stained and dripping in puke.
Beware: These are people who never stop talking when they’re inebriated.
The Awkward Couple
Why come to a party if you’re going to only interact with each other? Why not drink and have fun alone in each other’s dorms? You’ll most likely witness the “awkward couple” uncomfortably slow grinding to Avicii, which will warrant perplexed glances from partygoers.
By the end of the night, they’ll be yelling at each other obnoxiously on the street because the boyfriend was checking out the blonde in the little black dress. Couples and college parties are never a recipe for success.
Bro, you graduated three years ago; give it up. I understand that you have friends from the class of 2014 that you want to turn up with, but preying on 18-year-olds when you’re 25 will never be the wave. You’re legal. Go to a bar or something. You’re not welcome ‘round these parts.
The Druggy Dude
You’ll catch the “druggy” floating in-and-out of consciousness as he does the “Bernie” in the middle of the dance floor. No shame in his game. His frantic dance moves provide comedic relief but engaging in conversation is damn near impossible because his speech is illegible.
The druggy obviously has no concept of rhythm or personal space, as he continuously flails his arms in the air while annoyingly shaking his head back and forth. No f*cks given for this guy. He sees college simply as an avenue to experiment with a variety of pharmaceuticals. The “druggy” is typically the last person to leave the party because the molly has yet to wear off. WE TRIPPY MANE!
The Classmate From High School
You’re still wondering how this person got into college. You aim to keep your distance because you knew his or her social standing in high school and you don’t want the corniness rubbing off on you, even if he or she may have altered his or her image since 12th grade. You want to give this person another shot for the sake of forging a friendly relationship, but you still can’t see past the person they used to be. Keep it cordial.
The Party Animal
This person lives for the weekend. You never see party animals on campus or at school functions, but you’ll be sure to catch them at every party on any given weekend. The party animal’s love for EDM is unmatched - Swedish House Mafia is God. Party animals will do the imaginable to gain entrance to a show, even if it means hopping fences and bum-rushing the door.
Sometimes, their partying habits reach horrific heights, as their affection towards Everclear grants them multiple hospital trips. Oh well, they use the week as a resting period for their end-of-week rage fests. Party animals HATE BEING SOBER.
“He doesn’t even go here!”
The Typical Bro
Shirt optional. He’s so jacked you would think he puts protein in his jungle juice. The bro flaunts his muscles as a valiant effort to attract the freshmen females who are ripe for the picking and highly naïve. If you keep your eyes open for the duration of the party, you’ll probably catch him hooking up with at least five giddy females.
To the bro, getting girls comes as natural as breathing. Be careful, he may bag your girl. His sense of patriotic pride towards his fraternity is damn near scary, and he’s amped to fight anyone who violates him or his brothers.
The Potential Friend
A facet of the college experience that’s never typically mentioned in the campus tours (for good reason - administrations shouldn’t promote underage drinking, right?) is that students often meet a fair amount of future friends while partying. Everyone that attends these gatherings is there for a good time and to meet new people, so making conversation isn’t as difficult as it would be if the given context had been a classroom.
C’mon, let’s be honest, when are you friendlier than when you’re sh*t-faced?
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