You know who can give two steamy turds about the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show? Dogs.
Dogs don't care. They're dogs. They care about like five things: humping stuff, eating, pooping, humping their food and eating their poop.
That's it. Just like birthday parties for toddlers and adorable photos where each family member is dressed like a different character from “Doctor Who” and the baby is a TARDIS, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is more for the adults involved than anything else.
I challenge you to find a batch of more "over-it" dogs out there than the group at this year's event.
1. "Are we done yet, Karen?"
2. "Can I go back to being a walking mop now, Denise?"
3. "UGHHHHHHHHH, CAN WE PLEASE BE ANYWHERE ELSE, PHIL?"
4. "Da'hell do you want now, Laurence?"
5. "Effing Christ this thing is taking forever, Donny."
6. "Kill me, Jermaine. Put me out of my goddamn misery, Jermaine."
7. "This day is longer than my cheeks, Claude."
8. "See anything new under there, Derrick? Nope, Derrick? Yeah, still just a dog, Derrick? Thought so, Derrick."
9. "Dammit, Alice. Just let me effing BE."
10. "I'm gonna dump on the carpet SOO hard when we get back home, Meryl."
11. "I've been to tick removals more exciting than this, Jeanette."
The exception: "I FUGGIN LIVE FOR THIS SHIIITEEEEEE, CANDICE!!!!!"
Next year, save the dogs some time and leave them at home. Just bring some photo albums to Madison Square Garden and talk about which dog is most photogenic... except that last dog. Def bring him back. He loves this crap.
SERIOUSLY! BACK OFF, JERMAINE!